Jason Olsen

Shon the Piper's new album...

2009-02-25T08:38:00.004-05:00

Here's one of those random Facebook things -- a random album cover. I've got to say, my random album is pretty awesome.

Here's how it works if you wanna play at home...

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit "random... Read More... Read More"
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
(alternatively, if the first article you hit is short, hit Random Article two more times.)

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on "explore the last seven days"
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

Here's what I came up with...

My band name, Shon the Piper, is actually pretty fantastic. It's the name of a now lost 1913 film about, evidently (because it's lost and so I'm clearly just taking Wikipedia and IMDb's word on it), a wealthy Scotsman who disguises himself as a piper to win the hand of a peasant girl. This sounds like something that needs a remake because this story would totally fly today. People love Pipers.

Weekend

2008-11-14T08:51:00.003-05:00

Heading out to Vegas (why is it that I always spell that "vegan" when I first type it out -- I've almost assuredly written "Vegas" out more than I written "Vegan" -- hmmmm. I wonder if this says anything about the way I subconsciously view my identity. Anyway, let's get back to the main text and get out of this parenthetical. I might be getting off topic. Or perhaps I've written too little to actually be off-topic) this weekend (the first part of this sentence was "Heading out to Vegas" in case you forgot) for both a family visit and a dog show. The dog show part of this involves Willow and Chapel participating in an Obedience Competition. Fortunately, no frisbee catching at this competition.

Which is exciting because that means that they're actually doing stuff in order to earn ribbons (unlike the fancy dogs on the TV) but what she's doing is mostly behaving, like following nicely behind Chapel when she's supposed to and remaining in a stay for several minutes (which should make for riveting entertainment when watching other dogs). Anyway, wish us luck.

Scrubbing the TV

2008-11-11T10:01:00.003-05:00

I don't hate Scrubs (that charming doctor vehicle) and, while I'm admittedly not totally smitten with it, I find it occasionally amusing. Since Chapel and an earlier roomie of mine like it, I have watched more of it than I ever would have on my own and while, from time to time, I would complain about this (it's expected, you know), for the most part, I can deal with it.

Something (the product of extensive tv watching, er, research) occurred to me recently though. This blasted show is on ALL the time. All the time. What's up with this? There is never a moment when this show is not available to be watched on my local cable affiliate. Is there some reason for this?

And, really, no punchline for this post. That show is just on all the time. Really.

The Dog That Can't Catch

2008-11-01T18:37:00.005-04:00

You know those amazing dogs that can catch Frisbee and balls and all sorts of things with ease? Well, we don't have one of those dogs. She seems to enjoy the "not catching" part of the game of catch. Really, she seems to go out of her to make sure she never has a chance of actually catching anything. It's an art. Here are a few pictures of this artist and her craft.

Let's start with a football. Well, this one doesn't seem to be going well...the ball appears to still be landing and she already looking toward the ground.

Keep your eye on the ball. And by that I mean don't keep any eyes on any balls. Anywhere.

She's focused on something in the air. Unfortunately, the ball has already landed.

This one looks promising. And, honestly, let's just say it all worked out. The she jumped way in the air and easily caught it. That she didn't have the toy bounce out of her mouth at the last moment for no reason at all. Yep. It all worked out.

This one never had a chance.

And this one likely didn't either.

Let's blame the throw on this one, shall we?

And this one isn't worth trying.

Again, seems to be going well. Unfortunately, this was mere seconds before the ball bounced off her teeth, bounced toward the fence and rolled to the driveway. Oh the drama.

She found pumpkin guts in the backyard. That was more interesting than the thing whizzing past her head.

So there you have it. Look for Willow in next year's "Dogs that can't catch" reality show. She's the breakout star.

The Disappointed Multitudes

2008-11-01T10:47:00.010-04:00

I'm updating the blog today to both greet and apologize to the inevitable masses who will be looking at this site to see what I wore for Halloween. I know, I know....my reputation for Halloween goofiness has been on a tear over the last few years, but this year, I've taken a break. I'm entitled to that. I stayed at home, wore normal-ish clothes, watched Scream and Sweeney Todd and handed out candy to a few of Price, Utah's little ones. I also smashed my finger in a door, but that's not really related to anything. I just haven't gotten all the whining out of my system, so I decided to share.

Anyway to make up for the lack of Halloween-ing from me, I figured I should post some pictures of Halloweens gone by so you can see the great moments of yesteryear. And pretend I wore all of these at once last night if that makes you feel better.

Here I'm Einstein Disguised as Robin Hood, after the lyric in Dylan's "Desolation Row." For the record, everyone got it. Everyone. No one stared at me for a while trying to understand what in the world I was supposed to be before walking away confused after I told them. Why would you think that anyway?

I'm Alfalfa from the The Little Rascals from several years back. Geez, what a dork I used to be. Glad I'm past that. For the record, that crazy hair was a challenge.

This is me and Chapel from last year when we went as Jim and Pam from the office. This one was a challenge for me because I had to do so little. Halloween is usually so much more work. I mean, I had everything (well, I did have to buy a solid black tie but I ended up wearing that on job interviews, so I can't say that was that much of an expense). But yeah, Chapel had to do all the work on that.

You know how difficult it was to capture me in a photo when I was wearing this costume? I mean, I was really fast.

Ah, the Karate Kid in the shower costume. This might be the only costume that fought me back, constantly collapsing and nearly crashing on me. Still, though, it held up better than it should have and it is perhaps the most visually impressive. One thing I've learned in my short time in Utah -- when I described this costume to my students last year in Michigan, no one knew the movie enough to tell me what Daniel-san wore to the Halloween party before I described my costume in its full glory. Here, everyone seemed to know. They must teach the Karate Kid in the elementary schools here.

And this one isn't technically from Halloween (boy, isn't that a depressing thing to admit), but it'll fit anyway. Man, am I intimidating or what?

Sadly, there were a couple of costumes I didn't have pictures for at the ready -- Ace Ventura from the back in the day and the time I dressed up like a pencil from even further back. Still, this will hopefully do. Happy Halloween weekend, all!

Spokane Chiefs drop the Memorial Cup

2008-05-27T08:01:00.001-04:00

Man, I miss those Chiefs games...

Poem Ideas? Anyone?

2008-04-09T07:24:00.003-04:00

I'm going into the oral surgeon today for a procedure, so wish me luck. I'll likely be out of commission for a day or two (if my getting my wisdom teeth pulled is any indication) so besides warning the world that I might not be as, um, articulate as I occasionally am, I'll also need some help.

I'm trying to write 30 poems in the month of April (that's a poem a day for those following along), but I'm running out of ideas. So. Help? Fair readers, drop me some advice on potential topics for these poems I'm attempting to write? Got a wacky pop-culture idea? A serious theme for an ode? A surreal romp? Throw those ideas my way. I'll need help all the way through the end of April, so help early and often.

Thanks for your help! Looking forward for your responses...

Scroll Wheel

2008-03-07T12:39:00.005-05:00

I don't know about your relationship with the scroll wheel, but I love it. Love it. When it comes to a mouse, if it doesn't have a scroll wheel, it might as well not exist. Okay, this is overly harsh and really not entirely true. I've had plenty of solid, worthwhile relationships with mice that didn't have scroll wheels. But those weren't the types of relationships I had to mourn much over when they were through. This is different.

This is my mouse.

That's right. Two scrolls wheels on that thing. One for up and down and another for left and right. There's so much power in that much scrolling. I mean, I'm capable of going all over the place. It's really remarkable.

But, sadly, those scroll wheels on that beautiful mouse are just for show. Yep, neither one of them works anymore. And when I tried to reload the mouse software to attempt to get it back and going, the software caused my entire system to crash and I had to reboot the thing. I admit, it was a difficult betrayal for me to deal with. But I'm dealing. I am.

So I made a movie dedicated to my broken mouse. Yeah, it was painful to me to watch, too.

Vote!

2008-02-17T16:23:00.004-05:00

Okay...this is a fantasy baseball post. You've been warned. You don't have to read it. I mean, I'd rather you did, but whatever.

Somebody still there? Good. Last year, I participated in a fantasy baseball keeper league. Basically the deal with that is that you get to take any six guys from last year's team and carry them over and start with those guys when building your team for the new season. Whoever had the team before me evidently hadn't paid much attention to the team in, well, ever, so the players I started with were pretty middling. Still, through plenty of hard work and dumb luck, I ended up having a pretty good season, finishing second in the playoffs.

Well, the new season is about to being and I have to declare my keepers once again. I have five of my keepers decided, but I'm up in the air on the last one. Here's who I'm keeping:

Brandon Phillips (2B - Reds)
C.C. Sabathia (SP - Indians)
Erik Bedard (SP - Mariners)
Alex Rios (OF - Blue Jays)
Troy Tulowitzki (SS - Rockies)

I need to keep one more guy. So, that's were you come in. I've set up a poll on the side of the screen that lists six choices for my last keeper. See it? It's blue abd has the names of baseball players in it. Your choices are:

Howie Kendrick (2B - Angels)
Ryan Zimmerman (3B - Nationals)
Hideki Matsui (OF - Yankees)
Yonvani Gallardo (SP - Brewers)
Daisuke Matsuzaka (SP - Red Sox)
Joe Nathan (RP - Twins)

Well, who should it be? Please discuss this all-important issue by adding comments if you feel like it and be sure to vote! I'll use the poll results as of Feb 24th to choose my final keeper. Choose wisely! My fate rests in your hands!

Roger Clemens' Lie

2008-02-14T07:53:00.003-05:00

So, many are in agreement that Roger Clemens was lying about a lot of stuff yesterday. Thanks to watching Morning Joe on MSNBC this morning (since I wasn't able to watch the hearing yesterday because of a marathon dental visit -- but I'm feeling fine today, thanks for asking), I found out about this very significant question exchange:

Rep. Bruce Braley (D-Iowa) asked Clemens if he was a vegan. Clemens stumbled through his answer saying that he was sorry but he didn't know what a vegan was. Hmmmm. This answer was filled was more ums and uhs than you can possibly imagine.

So, yeah, I'm not convinced that Clemens is telling the truth. His body language clearly indicated that he was lying on this one, but why was Clemens lying?

Well, I'm a vegan. I also write poetry and was born in Southern California. He's an athlete from Texas. Perhaps admitting his veganism would ruin his reputation. Steriods are bad enough, but he's also unable to eat Manwich in its intended form? This would be unforgivable.

I hope Roger Clemens does some serious soul-searching and realizes that fessing up on this issue is really the best thing to do Just tell us you're vegan. Your obsessive need to inject massive amounts of B-12 into your body? Makes sense now (though, really, I usually just use a B-12 spray, but maybe it's trickier for Clemens to absorb stuff in his system than it is for me. I believe he is about 10x as large as I am, and that's only in the cranial region to start). We understand why Roger created this "steroid smoke screen" in order to distract from being outed as a vegan.

But it's okay, Roger Clemens You've got friends. Maybe if you're not busy tomorrow, we can go protest the circus or something.

An Open Letter to Netflix

2008-01-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Netflix,

I first off just want to say you guys are great. I mean, really great. The service is solid, the movie selection top-notch. All in all, everything is just peachy. But you've got something of mine. And I want it back.

I recently recently rented and watched 12 Angry Men -- a study in anger, men, and the number 12 if I ever saw one. Good stuff, especially the frequent close-ups on the old man juror in which he looks mostly terrified and I remember laughing at when I first saw the movie in tenth grade. Anyway, I watched the movie and, in the dark before heading off to bed, slid it into one of those wonderfully convenient sleeves and envelopes of yours and sent it back. But, much to my surprise, when I opened the dvd player the next day, 12 Angry Men was still there. Still angry, all 12 of 'em.

So what did I send back to Netflix if not 12 Angry Men? I opened my dvd cases frantically:

(Okay, that's technically a reenactment. I didn't really lay the open case upon my luxurious bedspread). But what was it, you ask? What treasure from my collection did I accidentally send to you, my fine friends at Netflix? Why, it was....

I believe this set Kory back a dollar at Target. But price doesn't matter. What matters is that is was a Christmas gift. (really). What matters is that Lyn was about to teach me how to pour water into a cup and make a ice cube magically appear. And, because I accidentally sent this back to you, Netflix, instead of 12 Angry Men, I'll never know.

So, Netflix, I'd appreciate it if you'd send Lyn and her amazing magic back to me. I just had a vision of all the Netflix employees magically making ice cubes appears out of nowhere and it made me sad because I'll never know how they did it.

Randy Savage Interview

2007-07-24T17:53:00.001-04:00

I would like to think that Randy Savage would be a heck of a motivational speaker if he were ever, you know, motivated.

I'm posting this classic clip as sort of a nostalgic longing for the ol' days of pro wrestling, before the terrible stuff that's been happening lately but, really, I think Macho Man Randy Savage might be proof that there could have been a steroid/cocaine problem back in the '80's. I mean, look at this guy. Listen to this guy. What is he talking about?

But it doesn't matter. I mean, wow, I could listen to him all day.

Well, for three minutes, anyway.

Is the Price Right?

2007-07-24T08:23:00.000-04:00

So Drew Carey will be the new host of the Price is Right. I guess that's okay and really, seeing as how I've never really watched the show much, it really doesn't matter to me. And, honestly, watching an entire episode of The Price is Right is pretty much a symbolic way of letting yourself completely go. An hour? You expect me to commit an hour to a game show? Everyday? But Drew Carey is the new host and, evidently, Rosie O'Donnell was considered. I've put together another list, of other people who ought to have been considered for the host of The Price is Right.

Wink Martindale -- I mean, come on, Price is Right, you've got a formula. You've been kicking it old school for, like, 60 years. Keep on the path. Just keep finding these old game show hosts and cycling through them. Wink would like the work -- he's been doing those commercials for that travel website or something. I don't know. I didn't pay attention. But, really, look at that suit. And maybe he cares about animals being spayed and neutered, too. Or...

Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons QB. Y'know, shake things up. We've heard that "get you pet spade or neutered" thing from Barker for far too longer. I bet Mike Vick would have a different take. Besides, he might not be playing much this years what with all that bad press from the killing dogs thing. It's a risk, but he's got potential.

Jonathan Pryce, the well-respected British Actor. It'll give the show some class. And they can call it "The Pryce is Right" Oh man, what that'll do for ratings. Imagine there's a picture of him above this paragraph. It's really far more interesting when you pretend there's a picture of him.

This website lists the strengths of actor William Hurt as his ability to "go deep into character" and to "convey constrained emotion." I think that sounds like a good game show host to me. And, like Pryce, he'd be all classy and stuff. This is a solid choice. He might be busy, though.

Crispin Glover. I would watch this show. Every day. Period.

Well, okay, if Drew Carey has to be the host, Wayne Brady should be the "Come on down" guy. So he can hijack another show from Carey by being funnier, more talented, etc. but in a foolishly supporting role. Hmm...this could go on forever. It shouldn't. Any ideas? I'm all sexist and whatnot and didn't have a woman on my list. Kellie Pickler would be my first thought. Any others?

Bender Bites

2007-07-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

Since I blogged earlier about Bender's morning habits, I felt it only right to post a picture of he and I together. Yeah, those are his teeth. And that look on my face is pain. But I did hold on long enough to get the picture.

Clockwork

2007-07-23T09:04:00.000-04:00

Like clockwork every morning, Bender pushes open the door to my room with his face, jumps into my bed, and purrs loudly while pressing his head against me. Yeah, yeah, it's cute and if this is how he wants to wake me up, it's much better than the old "sitting in the hallway outside the door and meow 'till he gets up strategy" but what is most amazing about it is that every morning, when he wakes me up, I roll over to look at the clock at the time will be 6:01. Maybe there will be a minute or two difference occasionally, but usually not. He's very reliable. I wish I could set him ahead an hour, but that doesn't seem to work. He's on a tight schedule.

Also, I finished HP 7. Exciting stuff. I won't write anything about it since I'm not one of those spoiler-types. Well, I wanted to publish a spoiler, but I couldn't figure out how to do that thing where you can't see the words without highlighting over them, so instead I'll say this: I sometimes have hair like Harry Potter. See, this isn't a spoiler. I just have Harry Potter hair on occasion. It's good when I need to dress like Potter, which, oddly, has happened more often than it should. End spoiler.

And also, my friend Matt Browning has been working on a cool new site called rednow, a experiment in wonder. I would recommend checking it out--it's a neat idea really well executed. The site can be found here: http://www.rednow.com/

Dueling Dolans

2007-07-19T14:55:00.000-04:00

So, the Emmy nominations are out today and, well, LOST wasn't nominated for Best Drama. But even when I felt that these Emmy nominating jerk didn't deserve any of my attention, I decided to check the nominees anyway. And, hey, Tim Daly was nominated for a best guest starring role for his work on The Sopranos. Why do I care, you ask? Am I such a fan of Wings that I long to see success for all of its former cast, from Tim Daly to Lowell to even that largish obnoxious mustachioed man that gave our Wings friends a hard time? Well, yeah, but there's more to it than that. See, Tim Daly played a character who was a writer/screenwriter named J.T. Dolan. Here is Daly as J.T. Dolan:

Now, at Western Michigan University, we have a member of our Creative Writing Faculty who has worked on screenplays in addition to his memoir Phoenix and his forays into fiction. His name, J.D. Dolan:

Hmmm. Perhaps J.D. will eventually shed some light on this "coincidence."

List

2007-07-18T10:01:00.000-04:00

Because I provided no list for those who want to play along at home...

The Wikipedia listing for the 2007 top 100 movies list (and the original list) is here.

Obviously some of the movies that have been dropped are fairly indefensible, especially in terms of what replaces them. It's interesting to note that there are four movies made since the original list that are on here -- and they're Titanic, Lord of the Rings 1, The Sixth Sense, and Saving Private Ryan. Who would actually name these four movies as the four best American films of the last ten years? No L.A. Confidential? Wow.

Anyway, I don't want to linger on the larger list, because it is a discussion that would go on forever. So, I'll let you guys do it.

Movies

2007-07-18T09:27:00.000-04:00

So, I decided I should watch a lot of movies. This is not a decision that came quickly or without thought. After much liberation and discussion (with me), I have decided to watch a lot of movies.

What movies, you ask? Well, the American Film Institute's recently updated Top 100 American Films of All-Time list, selected by a panel that consists, evidently , of Steven Spielberg and Jimmy Stewart, (okay, Jimmy Stewart's dead, but he's in a lot of these movies). I made this decision because, upon looking at the list (updated in 2007 after being originally developed in 1997), I realized I either hadn't seen as many of these movies as I should or it's been so long since I've seen them, I've all but forgotten their artistic/cultural/etc. value. So, I intend to go from 100 to 1 and watch 'em all.

So, I shall begin the 100 movies. Keep in mind, this isn't a 100 movies in 100 nights thing, either. This is just 100 movies in whatever nights. No pressure. And I've technically already begun. I am currently awaiting the Netflix arrival of movie #96.

Stay tuned to my blog where (really) I will write (hopefully not too) sporadic write-ups of these movies.

But enough talk, I've got a kickball double-header tonight. I need to get prepared. And by prepared I mean sitting in my bed and trembling at the thought of someone throwing the ball at me.

Crispin Glover on Letterman

2007-06-27T12:36:00.001-04:00

I stumbled across this on YouTube and I dedicate it to all of you Crispin Glover fans out there. He's a genius. Or something.

The Tree that Didn't Fall

2007-06-27T10:47:00.000-04:00

It could have been bad. Really bad. But ultimately it looks as if all the "worst case scenarios" were simply helpful experience for the coming zombie apocalypse or whatever else is on the brink of happening.

What was it, you ask? Well, it was something that could have been bad.

I like trees. But sometimes trees lose their way. This happened in my world because the tree outside our house begin to show some very realistic signs of wanting to fall. Like this:

And Jane (who owns the house) came and did this:

Which, as silly looking and orange as it might be, evidently saved us all. Some guys came to cut the tree out this morning and told us it was being held by a single branch and that the silly looking orange strap allowed it to stay in place. So, crisis averted. The tree didn't fall into the street and knock out power lines or fall into our house and knock out Roy and Mandie's bird.

Good thing, too. Because yesterday Kevin and I had a conversation -- wait, "conversation" -- with the strange old lady next door who told us that she would sue everybody if that tree fell into her house. And, oh, if that happened (which would, of course, also had defied every law of physics, but whatever) it would be like "when Grant took Richmond." Really. She said that. Like two or three times in the conversation. "If that tree falls on my house it'll be like when Grant took Richmond."

Fortunately, it was fairly peaceful. So Grant didn't have to take Richmond at all. Whew.

One last look? Sure:

Kevinfest Day #5

2007-06-26T10:05:00.000-04:00

Kevinfest wrapped up with a trip to the world of professional academia, as Day #5 took us to the New Play Project and a series of plays that featured a play by one of Kevin's former students (he was my student too, but this is about me. He was my student twice, really, but again, not about me). So we went to support a student and rub noses with professorial colleagues like....

Steve Feffer, Kevin's prof, friend, etc. etc. He's my friend too, but y'know, not about me.
Steve's wife was there too. And, well, this picture is about me (and Laura). So there.

Here Chapel and Kevin stand in the lobby at intermission. I got locked out of the theater sneaking out to make a phone call after the first of two plays before the intermission. Served me right, likely.

Michelle and Kevin -- attending all five nights of Kevinfest. She deserves a gold star. Somebody give her a gold star.

Chapel can have a gold star too.

So, Kevinfest is a wrap and it was a rousing, exhausting success. Thanks to everyone who made appearances and who issued well-wishes. Day #5 continued after I left but I haven't spoken to anybody about what happened after the New Play Project, but I can speculate that Kevinfest continued to rock until the bitter end. Now, some sleep.

Kevinfest Day #4

2007-06-25T09:05:00.000-04:00

After an exhausting night of clubbing at the Wayside, Day #4 of Kevinfest was, mercifully, a bit more low key. This penultimate day of the 'fest brought us back to the present day, a world in which bbq'ing and hanging out at Michelle's place are fairly commonplace occurrences. While waiting for the gang to arrive, Michelle, Kevin, and I watched an episode of LOST and if there's a better way to enact the current grade school life, I'm not sure what it could be. And from there, we went outside.

Here's Kevin. He's even wearing a WMU shirt to signify the fact he attended WMU. Man, those actors. Always in character.

Cindy, a night removed from breaking hearts at the Wayside, gives the camera a stern look. For the record, the camera used for this photo shoot was Michelle's. Hence the datestamp in the lower corner.

Bob arrived. And he decided to dig a hole in the backyard.

Which looked like fun, so I helped.

See, Kevinfest is about friends working together to make things like...

a barely visible hole in the ground.

Meanwhile, darts were played. Eventually Michelle brought out new darts that would actually stick to the board. That helped with the enjoyment of the game.

Linda. Maybe she's thinking about darts. 'Cause she and Kevin won.

This picture might not seem very interesting, but when I was taking pictures of everyone, the camera wouldn't let me take pictures of Bob. Not sure why, it just wouldn't. Maybe Bob was in a spot of bad light, something, but the camera wouldn't acknowledge him. Finally I got this picture. Kevin's theory is that the camera has one of those "face recognition" deals and Bob was too horrific to photograph. That's silly, of course. Though of the pictures I've shared, not a one of Bob actually features his face. Hmmm.

Anyway, I was too tired to stick around for long, but the night evidently continued on much like this. So, there's grad school night in a nutshell. Tomorrow, Kevinfest concludes with a trip to the future. It's "professional" night. Or something.

Kevinfest Day #3

2007-06-24T11:16:00.001-04:00

For night #3 of Kevinfest, we decided to pay tribute to the undergraduate college years by going to the Wayside. For those not in the know, the Wayside would not be a common destination for our group. It was described by a friend who declined the invitation to go as a "cesspool." But fortunately, we survived the cesspool. Here is a photo documentary of our night at the Wayside.

Man, pictures of people dancing in dark places is hard. Still, I gave it my best.

Kevin may or may not have been moving when I took this picture. But he was holding a drink. That's fairly undeniable.

There was some shaking going on.

I believe at this point, Beth was describing the significance and wonder of tequila. She was quite passionate about this point.

This is Cindy. She's a dude magnet.

Here's the crew after being asked to leave the dance floor area. We rocked too hard. And they were closing up.

Adeena was appalled.

Here's a picture of everyone. My spirit is here since I'm taking the picture and all. Immediately after this, we were asked to leave. Yes, we stayed at the Wayside until close and had to be kicked out. Man, that's not something that happens everyday. And then Adeena got in a fight with some guys in the parking lot and told them to call "1-800-Get-a-Soul." Really. Just a typical night out, really.

Kevinfest Day #2

2007-06-23T10:20:00.001-04:00

If you saw yesterday's photoblog, dear reader, you know that for Day #1 of Kevinfest, we played minigolf and laser tag as a symbolic representation of the beginning of a person's journey through life. For Day #2, we took that symbolic journey though high school. By recreating a version of high school that likely none of us had ever experienced. The journey began by meeting the group over at....

The Harding's parking lot. That's where fun lives.
So we sat on our cars and stuff, trying to figure out what we should do.

Kevin got some guy to buy him beer.

For the sake of the high school theme, Roy and I pretend to be awkward. Yeah, pretend.

As the sun set (thus proving that we actually did hang out at that parking lot for a while) we met up with some of our other friends and decided we should go....

To Steak 'n Shake. Roy is excited. I should have gotten a better picture of the sign.

This is the inside of Steak 'n Shake. Michelle knew the girl that worked there so we got a good table.

So we ended up back at my place.

And Kevin made a circle of cards in a game that took a long time.

But everyone was happy!

Join us tomorrow for snapshots of whatever it is that happens tonight....when we attempt to recreate undergraduate college life. Yay?

Kevinfest Day #1

2007-06-22T11:15:00.001-04:00

Kevinfest is a five day long event in commemoration of the successes of Dr. Kevin Drzakowski as he moves on to his new job in Wisconsin. Each day of Kevinfest has a unique theme that symbolizes a step in the journey of a person's life. For the first day, we went and played mini-golf and laser tag and bumper cars and all that. I don't have any pictures from the bumper cars and laser tag (since I was too busy bumping and shooting), but I have plenty of pictures from other stuff. Behold! Kevinfest, Day #1

Michele likes Quiznos! Maybe not, but she's in front of the sign anyway.

There are only so many way to photograph mini-golf. You should see all of the pictures I took that were golf legs and a golf ball. Actually, you shouldn't see them. They were boring. That's why I didn't post them.

But I did post this one. Which isn't particularly exciting either. Though you might wonder where the golf ball is, I guess.

We had loot bags with fun stuff in them.

And cupcakes.

Chapel and I shoot simultaneously to save time.

Linda and Michele at the Pizzazz-a-Rama.

Kevinfest Day #1 was dramatic indeed. For those wondering, Kevin won the mini-golf. Chapel dominated the Laser Tag. Kevin and Linda did well at the bowling. And I won the Bumper Cars. And no one can prove I didn't.

TV is fun!

2007-06-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

Of course you all know this, but it's a significant enough cultural moment to warrant a mention from me. Those cavemen from the Geico commercials are getting their own ABC TV show in the fall. Honestly. As far as I know, it's a comedy, hopefully something like those "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" skits that Phil Hartman used to do on SNL and, since those commercials kinda were like the "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" skits anyway, I think we can assume it will be. For the three or four weeks it airs. I'm being unfair, of course, I like the commercials. And I might even be willing to watch it once. Just to find out how they'd possibly attempt to pull this off. But the big thing is the precedent this might set:

Think about it -- Caveman commercial characters getting their own show. Is this the beginning of a potential trend? Because, man if it is, I'm stoked. Just think about the shows we could see in the not too distant future if TV commercials spawned themselves into full-length TV programs.

The obvious one for me is one I've been pushing for years. I mean, Kevin (not Bacon) and I essentially have the first season or two of this one already plotted out and, really, it's fantastic. It's a sitcom that features those two guys from Hanes ads....the hoops star and the well-connected actor? Yep, Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan living together, throwing their underwear at other. It certainly would be great fun. Let's call it -- "Six Degrees of Michael Jordan" or something. Y'know, it's got that crazy rock 'n roller Kevin Bacon and that straight-laced businessman Michael Jordan living together in a modest apartment. Uh oh! Insert comic hijinx here!

Speaking of buddy-oriented TV shows...I think this would be worth watching: a sit-com revolving around the adventures of those guys from the Sonic ads, you know, the guys that just sit in their cars and talk to each other. We'd be able to have a large cast, too, since those ads occasionally feature different people, too. But only two people in the car at a time. It's very high concept. We might try to throw somebody peeking in from the backseat, but that's something best saved for a game-changing season finale or something. If we make it a sitcom and do away with some of the product placement so inherent within the commercials themselves, it might be tricky to explain why these people are always in their cars, but whatever. Why do we even need to explain? Just hand those guys a couple of burgers and watch 'em do funny stuff! That's a hit!

Or maybe a show that revolves around that guy who can't try his girlfriend's chicken sandwich at Wendy's even though he's sitting right across from her because he's really NOT sitting right across from her because he's really at the big game and managed to create a hologram of himself to make her THINK he was hanging out with her (thus consciously choosing some non-specified other activity over eating the product being advertised. Makes perfect sense). But, really, I want to see these two in their natural element. He's probably able to make some wacky-cool gadgets and, clearly, they have a healthy relationship built on truth and trust, so that would be fun.

Or what about that super annoying Filet-o-Fish ad that McDonald's has got going. I've only seen it once -- it's two F-o-F sandwiches having a conversation, sort of. One sandwich says "Filet-o-Fish" and the other pronounces it in a slightly different way thus prompting the first to repeat it in the original way and thus prompting the second Filet-o-Fish to repeat again the same way it did the first time. And this keeps going for, like, the entire half-minute of the ad or, more accurately, the rest of your life. So, yeah, I'd like to see a tv show built around the concept of two breaded fish sandwiches with oddly shaped pieces of cheese on them talking to each other. When I saw this ad, I thought, "wow that's an awful ad. Why would this make anyone want to eat that?" And then I remembered it was for a Filet-o-Fish and, really, who eats those anyway? Maybe McDonald's has done an amazing job of tapping into that particular segment of their customer base -- the 26 people who actually eat Filet-o-Fish sandwiches--and knows exactly what gets those people going. Man, I really miss when Burger King used to call their fish sandwich "The Whaler." Who thought that was a good idea. Maybe fast-food fish sandwiches are just forever doomed.

Anyway, what do you guys think? Any TV spots that are ready for a prime-time shot? Share with me, shall you? Goodness knows, I need some feedback to keep from being distracted by the outside world and not updating my blog!

Michael Emerson is like Ben in real life. Creepy!

2007-05-29T11:10:00.001-04:00

No LOST until February. That's a difficult thing. You know what would help? Michael Emerson going on The View in character. That would be cool.

Interview with Adam Clay

2007-05-16T14:14:00.000-04:00

This is the first of the Octopus vs. Chipmunk interview series. Our guest today is Adam Clay, author of The Wash, a book of poetry from Parlor Press. Recently, O v. C had a chance to sit down with Adam and discuss his book, his life, and his dreams. Or something. When I speak, I speak in red italics.
---

I want you to discuss the process of putting together your book. Specifically, I mean how you got from point A (we’ll call that Adam) to point W (The Wash itself) and how points B (the book itself) through V (the completed volume) evolved. Also, what plans do you have for X, Y, and Z?

I want to start by saying: you’ve got a tough interview face. A Poker Face, but with no cards in your hand, no chips on the table. It’s highly likely your intimidation will factor into my responses, so pardon my hesitancy and, at times, dishonesty.

I often arrive at places not knowing how I came to be there. W was for the most part my MFA thesis, originally titled “Apology”. The poems were written over the course of my three years at Arkansas—I probably wrote a few hundred while I was there—and what ended up in W are the poems that seemed to frame the overall experience (that is the A to W experience) which felt right. Order was maddening to me. I knew the placement of the first and second poem was right, but from there, it was wide open early on. Because I wanted the book to be more of a sequence than a bunch of poems thrown together, I avoided (for a long time) the idea of dividing it up into sections. In the end, I folded—titling the sections gave each section more of an ability to “speak” to each other.

I don't know if I even answered your question.

You mostly did, I think, so that's good enough. You have a great “poet writing name.” I mean “Adam” – first man – and “Clay” – stuff of the earth, all that. Has your name affected the poetry you write? I mean, if you were born with a name that was wholly unsuited toward poetry, would you be a different type of writer?

All poets seem to notice this. My parents claim they had no idea.

All poets? Wow. What about the title? Is it a noun or a verb? Or is it something else entirely?

Both. The bath. The laundry. The cleansing. Kimberley likes to watch the clothes spin in the wash. It’s something I thought a lot about when I was coming up with a title for the book. I liked that it was both. I liked that it could be.

Did you consider other less monosyllabic titles?

As a rule, I’m pretty much against polysyllabic words. I tried to revise them out of the text as I revised, but some of them just couldn’t be taken out. To be honest, if we could just speak in grunts and groans, the world might be a better place. The world is complex enough; why do we need long words?

You lead off the book with quotes from Larry Levis and Herman Melville. Who do you think would win a fight between the two?

Arm-wrestling: Levis.

Boxing: Melville.

Thumb-wrestling: Draw.

In your poem “Apology,” you write, “Rivers are a savior of sorts[.]” Can you support that statement with evidence?

I thirst.

Name a few poets, past or present, who would hate your work.

Larry Levis.

Herman Melville.

Jim Morrison.

The first word in a poem in the book is “trusting” and the last word in these poems is “along.” Discuss.

Shannon Jonas always does this with books—looks at the first word and then at the last. Having seen him do this on countless occasions, it didn’t occur to me to check the opening and closing words. I defer to him (insert Shannon’s response here—).

Some of my readers might not know who Shannon Jonas is. Care to elucidate him to those who may not know him?

Shannon Jonas is an enigma.

Oh. You’ve been called a “poet’s poet.” Can you talk about that a bit?

Who said that?

----
And with that, we ended our conversation with a lengthy awkward silence. You can purchase your copy of The Wash here. You should. It's quite good.

While I've been gone

2007-05-09T11:58:00.000-04:00

Evidently, everybody and their brother has started a blog. And they've been trying to lull people away from my blog during my absence (as if my not updating my blog wasn't enough to stop people from coming. Still.)

So here's what I know.

Go to these blogs:

Write Noise, Not Flowers

Proud to be Awesome

Mapmaker of the Human Condition

These talented and attractive people seem to be saying interesting things on their blogs. If you're interested in things like boxing and what books and movies people you likely haven't met hasn't read or seen (and, yeah, it's embarrassing) then you ought to check these out. I'll put a permanent link in my sidebar for each of these eventually, but here I am given them a major shout out first.

Major.

And I haven't forgotten about you and you're need for updates. I've just been enduring a few temporary disappointments and whatnots. I've got plans. Soon.

Hey, Guess What?

2007-04-11T11:52:00.000-04:00

It's April!

You know, this place can really be a jerk sometimes.

Baseball!

2007-04-11T10:42:00.000-04:00

Okay...I don't do a lot of random baseball posting. But I will today. And I'm posting on the Red Sox-Mariners game from yesterday which, oddly, has a great deal of interest to me as an Angel fan. Not for any bearing on the pennant race or anything like that -- it's April (and, c'mon, it's the Mariners), but for two things.

#1: Something for the Tiger fans to enjoy

	IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR	ERA
Weaver (L, 0-1)	2.0	7	7	7	2	1	1	31.50

That's the pitching line for Jeff Weaver who was AWFUL for the Angels last year (was cut in favor of his little brother) and ended up on the Cardinals. And, of course, with the Cardinals, he ends up finding himself all baseball/spiritually renewed and is a huge key to beating the Tigers and winning the World Series. This guy dominated. It didn't make any sense. You know, because he usually stinks.

And then he went back to the American League. And, in his first start with Seattle, gave up 7 runs in two innings. And my favorite thing about Jeff Weaver is that he's the only player I know of who, consistently, looks absolutely terrified. It's true. This isn't one of those "terrified" pictures, but it is something that became fairly common during his tenure with the Angels -- walking sadly and slowly from the mound with his head down. Looks like it'll be the same deal with Seattle, assuming they let him pitch much more.

Maybe Jeff should've stayed in the NL after all. Just a thought. O maybe there was no way around it. He was given one great month in the big leagues. And, hey, the next time the Tigers get to face him, they'll clobber him. Of course, they'll just be beating the Mariners.

#2:
I'm glad to see that great rivalries carrying on. The Angels and Nationals got into a brawl a couple of years ago that included a little bench clearing and a lot of angry talks from the two teams. Now this feud has taken on new life with the Mariners and the Red Sox. Two of the key guys from that previous grudge match have landed on these teams and Brendan Donnelley and Jose Guillen evidently still aren't the best of friends.
Here's more:
http://cbs.sportsline.com/mlb/story/10119576

Sigh. We'll see what the rest of the Angels will get from Guillen when the Angels and Mariners play later this season. Because Donnelley wasn't the only one who didn't dig the guy. It should be fun.

Puppy

2007-04-08T08:37:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah...I've been a little longer coming back to the blog than I might have expected. I've had a busy week and, really, that's probably not good enough for you, not after the way I've neglected you in the past. I mean, what can I do, dear blog reader, to mend these old proverbial fences?

I'm thinking pictures of a cute puppy. Lots of pictures of said puppy. This is Jeka (she's known as Jeko in the Atlantic Coast State, Jeka in the midwest). I keep have to fight the urge to type in "Jerka," which isn't fair, because she's not a jerk at all. Anyway, here's Jeka at my place earlier this week.

Clearly she's happy beside that couch. Her tune would change if I was to lift up that slipcover, let me tell you. It's like an explosion of grandmas under there.

Can you see the invisible thread on that tennis ball? No, because it's invisible!

All right, she's cute. I'm assuming you've got that by now.

If only I were as interesting as that tennis ball in my hand. Geez, just imagine how cool I could be.

I'm the dog hypnotist -- let go of the tennis ball, let go of your fears.

I'm explaining the story of the baby Jesus to Jeka.

Man, that Kevin in the background -- he wears some shiny shorts.

11 days.

2007-03-28T11:14:00.000-04:00

11 days. It's been eleven days since my last post and, really, this entry is just to change the scenery when you log to my blog. O v. C has been forced to take a bit of a hiatus because of the man's constant attempts to keep me down. Or something. But we will resume in a fairly regular way next tuesday. And don't miss the excitement as I do things like make comments about stuff. Also, an interview with Adam Clay, the fine poet behind behind the recently released book The Wash.

So, see you all next week.

Letters

2007-03-14T23:42:00.000-04:00

I've recently been spending a lot of time reading the compiled letters of Lowell and Berryman and have been feeling pretty shallow in terms of the letters (or emails as the kids today call 'em) I usually send. Now, I'm not posturing myself as some kind of Lowell, but, you know, collected letters seem interesting and nifty and all that and I'm shooting myself in the foot by not even having a chance. For your consideration, here are three recent correspondences sent out by me (all culled from recent MySpace emails):

1.
"Well, we've always got our karaoke machine in case you suffer from withdrawls. "

2.
"Just wanted to say thanks to Jus Rhyme and his friends for the great job they did at Western Michigan University Saturday night at the Hip Hop/Racism panel.

I've talked to several people since that event and people seemed really willing to talk about things that are generally taboo -- the poetry class I teach has mentioned the panel in each of our last two meetings and I think that's a sign that things went well.

So thanks for your good work,
J. "

3.
"Ooops. Sorry. It sounds like a fun idea and I'm certainly interested. I just don't know what my summer situation is, so I'd like to get things settled with that before I plan ahead.

I'll let you know soon,
J. "

See? Boring at best and totally not something anybody's ever going to study (expect maybe the Jus Rhyme stuff).

So I've decided to make up some letters and get them out there as the real indication of what it is I'm writing in terms of correspondence. So, get ready future biographers and collected letter editors -- this is the good stuff!

--

Dear Mr. Strand,

Hope this letter finds you well and I hope also that you don't find it too forward. Roy Seeger, who has had fine poems appearing aplenty as of late, and I will be traveling to New York in a few months and were wondering if we can stay with you for the week. It will likely be in July, when the weather is warm and a pilgrimage seems fitting. Do reply and let us know.

I tend to not be prone to idle flattery, so take the praise that follows as earnest. I spent a good half hour with your most recent book "Man and Camel" and was able to read the volume in its entirety twice. These are poems not to be forgotten.

Sincerely,
Jason Olsen.

---

Roy,

The poems you've sent me are clearly a labor of love. The footnotes are used with care (mostly) and seem to resonate, at least to me, within the lines. It is true that these are a departure for you and I applaud you for that. Expect me to make more careful and thoughtful comments in time, but I haven't spent enough times with the poems to feel comfortable enough with them.

You must stop constantly querying the past. Somethings need be buried.

Again much congratulations on these recent poems. I think there is likely a much praise coming for them in the future.

Have not heard back from Strand but I expect word from him soon. I'll be heading up to visit you soon.

Affectionately,
Jason.

P.S. Tell Bruce that Bender says hello and send my love to Amanda. I have sent her a letter as well (I'll make sure that one includes instruction for a hello to you).

--

Metzger,

If it was not for you and Robyn, I would have a hard time acknowledging Arkansas even existed. As it is, I suppose I must. I've been meaning to respond for days to your previous correspondence, but those days do get the better of me.

I've been working on an extended poem as of late, one that is now bordering on 500 lines. I have worked today, sculpting 5 lines that I now feel secure with and will take off a few days before returning to it. I have decided to spend these days away from it instead responding to letters and rereading Strand's new book. Have you read it?

The poem itself is progressing with little input from me, it seems, spiraling as does the most chaotic of spirals. I am focused on character as I have never before done, creating a figure out of a George Eliot novel, had George Eliot had the profound pleasure of reading Toni Morrison and being enlightened therein. Also, it is set in Joesph Heller-esque fantasy land, with the machinations of a Browning dramatic personae manipulating the events. All in all, it is proceeding and that is all I can say about it. I've sent an early version to Jorie Graham, but have yet to hear a response. That's likely for the best; the version she received seems like several revisions ago and I am mostly embarrassed by it now.

I'm thinking of traveling for the better part of the next three years. Any suggestions?

Love to you and Robyn,
Jason.

---

Delzer,

The summer trip to Iowa sounds like a well-needed relief. I've been working on this poem of mine for what seems like an eternity and since I don't plan on finishing it until the fall, several months in Iowa City will serve me well. Robin and Josh will be happy to allow us to stay with them for as long as we need, a few months will likely be no problem. Though it might be worth looking up Dean Young and seeing if he would be willing to find a place for some traveling poets. Perhaps the promise of conversation until dawn will be enough for us to offer in exchange.

Speaking of which, have you read Young's latest? It's another triumph, I think, and, as you know, I don't say such things lightly. He's a difficult poet to define, but it's a definition that ultimately needs not be bothered with because the poems themselves transcend such trivialities. Make sure you stock your store with plenty of copies -- I've no doubt the book buying public in Spokane will make it worth your while.

Haven't seen any poems of yours in ages. Would love to change that, if you've got anything to send me. Send a prayer or two my way as far as my work and I'd be happy to return them in spades.

Yours affectionately,
Jason.

Freeze!

2007-03-14T11:34:00.000-04:00

I worked with a group of second and third graders yesterday and, I've got to say, I think I've written a poem that works brilliantly if its main purpose is to freak our second and third graders. I've twice read this poem to audiences of elementary school kids and twice gotten the same sort of "really?" disbelieving but kind of thinking it might be true reactions. I don't post a lot of poems (well, any), but I want to share this one. And I've included a picture of myself from the school district's monthly newsletter to add to my legitimacy.

Freeze Tag

I knew this kid once,
Jimmy West,
who was playing freeze tag
and, after he was frozen,
no one ever unfroze him,
and he stayed that way
for nine years.
All through middle school
and high school,
his friends had to wheel him around
on a cart and his parents
had to feed him dinner by hand.
Teachers just thought he was strange.
But his friends knew--
he was intense.
Finally, on his 17th birthday,
Allison Kalinwoski,
a girl who was playing that day,
tagged him and removed the spell.
You're free, she said.
Jimmy stretched his arms
and smiled. Wanna play
again? he asked.

My Favorite Color is Spite

2007-03-13T17:04:00.000-04:00

Okay. Here's one of those silly quizzes that circulate around MySpace bulletins and what not. You know the kind -- where certain questions get mysteriously removed along the way so that you get giants numbering gaps. Yeah, those. Well, I decided to do one and share it with the world.

Here's the game...

You.Can.Only.Type.One.Word.

Not as easy as you might think.

(Okay...that was the game's description. This is my note. I'm saying it is easy -- because I combined the One Word Quiz with the Random Word Generator -- I found it at
http://watchout4snakes.com/creativitytools/RandomWord/RandomWord.aspx. It just throws out random nouns at me. Let's see what happens. Maybe we'll find some happy accidents in these answers).

1. Where is your cell phone?
Bible

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Scheduling

3. Your hair?
Piano

4. Your mother?
Visit

5. Your father?
Inclining

6. Your favorite Item?
Leaf

7. your dream last night?
Deal

8. Your favorite drink?
Undoing

9. Your dream car/bike?
Replacement

12. Your fears?
Thick

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?
Tangent

15. What you're not good at?
Jacket

16. Muffins?
Vote

17. One of your wish list items?
Uniform

18. Where you grew up?
Incoming

19. The last thing you did?
Divide

20. What are you wearing?
Pit

21. What aren't you wearing?
Grave

22. Your pet?
Bell

23. Your computer?
Motorway

25. Your mood?
Mass

26. Missing?
Pitfall

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Glove

28. Your car?
Architecture

29. Your work?
Coloring

30. Your summer?
Condom

31. Your relationship status?
Prince

32. Your favorite color?
Spite

33. When is the last time you laughed?
Funeral

34. Last time you cried?
Identifier

35. School?
Critic

What time is it?

2007-03-11T15:43:00.000-04:00

What time is it? I have no idea. I mean, have you been to my house? You think the clocks are going to give you the answer you're looking for? Well, anyway, it's 3:45 PM. Thankfully Kevin is on point with the whole daylight savings time thing and has his share of clocks updated. I don't. For example, here's a clock in the kitchen:

And here's what my watch says:

I love this watch because it allows me to have two different incorrect times at once. The hands read 12:40, I think. The digital readout is 44:41. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it's probably more accurate than the microwave:

"What time is it?" "Oh, it's :40." "Thanks!"

And what about the clock that sits beside my bed? The one on my nightstand that makes sure I am always in touch and connected to the pulse of the world? Well, it says:

Here's one that works! It's in my living room!

And, before you get all impressed and what-not because I set it ahead an hour and all that, I'll confess that I did indeed set it ahead an hour. A year ago. I figure, you know, it's right on for half the year and that's pretty good, really.

Captain America

2007-03-09T07:48:00.000-05:00

So. Captain America's dead. Yeah, I saw it on CNN a day or two ago and looked it up on-line. Evidently, the comic book writers decided this was a good idea. Now obviously, this being the comic book world, his death is merely a set-up for his inevitable return and all that, but it still strikes me as a odd move. I can't say I'm too attached these days or anything like that -- I haven't really read comics for a long time, but when I did, I always liked Cap -- in fact, of all those comics in the closet at my family's house, I doubt I've collected any individual comic more than Captain America (tho' as a character, Spider-Man is certainly up there).

I liked Cap because he did the right thing in the right way. But don't get me wrong, it was just the blatant propaganda behind it -- with the proper writers, he was able to be pretty compelling. And contrary to the thing people might assume about him, he really wasn't as one-note a character as is often argued. He had issues with the best of them -- he was concerned over being too much a symbol versus being an actual human being. He was a character who had sacrificed any possibility of a normal life for the chance to defend his country and its people and he was really never even given much of a choice. And, yeah, with the occasional girlfriend issue thrown-in (and, man, how hard would it be to date Captain America...geez), there was certainly humanity in both the character and the comics.

So, Cap's death -- real exciting and heroic, I'm sure, right? Welllll..... like I said, I haven't been following, but they've done this huge crossover "Civil War" thing where the government decides to force all costumed heroes to register themselves and expose their identities. There's a hero group who supports this (lead by Iron Man) and one that is against this (Cap's team). Now, maybe I'm a bit of idealist here, but shouldn't our sympathies automatically go along with the team that is questioning the government's decision here? Aren't comic books still (in some way, anyhow) enough a part of the counter-culture for us to root for the guys who are try to keep the integrity of the "secret identity" construct intact and question the government authority over our lives? I mean, that's always been the beauty of Captain America -- and probably those who disregarded him as a "Go USA" guys didn't get this -- but Cap (as I remember him, maybe things have changed) was always pretty unhappy about being told what to do. He was hardly a government pawn, in fact giving up the suit and name once back when I was a kid because he didn't want the government to have control over what he did. Maybe Cap was a pretty black-and-white character compared to "cool" guys like Wolverine, but he was a rebel at heart and he was a defender of American ideals and the people, not the government. And when I read about this Civil War thing, it sound like maybe they got it right -- Cap standing heroically against the overbearing government's "Patriot Act" agenda. So, yeah, Cap fighting the system is the way this thing ought to be played out.

But it seems (I'm basing this on the Wikipedia write up, so be warned. Though it's difficult to doubt much about Wikipedia when it comes to comic books) the writers had a tendency to be more sympathetic toward the Iron Man/pro-government registration side and the battle ends when Captain America -- concerned over the loss of innocent life -- surrenders, unmasks himself and surrenders to the government officials. He is then shot and killed by orders of the Red Skull.

What? Wow. Really? That's just not cool. Again, I haven't read any of this in context (and I don't really have much desire to do so) and the thought is that he's frozen in ice ready to be thawed out at some point (though they have already done that) or somehow brought to life, but it just seems so dismissive a way of getting rid of a character that embodies the ideals of a country (and not necessarily the country itself). And, really, if you're going to kill Cap -- even fake kill him -- shouldn't it be in some heroic fashion? Not shot all Jack Ruby-style walking under police custody.

Oh well, Cap. You'll be missed. And I'm sorry that your death was caused by a seemingly poorly written and executed marketing strategy to exploit your demise mainstream publicity and for comic sales. Or, at best, an allegory about the state of our country (though, it seems, at various points during Cap's existence, the country seemed to be facing some problems, too). For what it's worth, I won't buy anything. I'll just pose my small Captain America in various ways to celebrate you and what you mean to me.

The System Works

2007-03-07T09:25:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's true. The system does work. And I can say this with absolute confidence and certainty because yesterday, when I was in the process of possibly being selected as a juror for a trial, the trial was resolved and I got to go home. The case was worked out by the lawyers during lunch (which was an hour longer than the judge had told us, but clearly those wheels of justice were in motion, so whatever) and when we got back to the courtroom, we aspiring jurors were told that everything had worked out (I suppose -- the former defendant, we were told, had gone "home") and the trial -- which the judge had told us would last at least 3 or 4 days -- ended before it started. So that meant that I didn't have to spend almost all of my Spring Break at the

Kalamazoo Court House. Which looks something like this. Just colder now. I guess when our friends at the Kalamazoo County Website took this picture, it was warmer outside (that was my way of crediting the picture without disrupting the flow of the prose, just in case I have any readers who are in to retracing my steps and all that).

And, if you were wondering, I spent most of that two-hour lunch in the juror waiting room staring at their strange collection of magazines. From the potential political agenda of National Review to the downright weirdness of having multiple issues of Cat Fancy.

So good work, American Judicial System. You let me go home early and I salute you for that.

Brackets!

2007-03-06T07:33:00.000-05:00

I'm off to report for jury duty in a few minutes (and here's hoping that's as brief and painless as possible) but before I go, I've been meaning to share a book discovery that I came across in Newsweek a few weeks back. A book in which I am, apparently, the intended audience.

This happens every now and then, right? A movie/book/play/television show comes out and, it seems, it has been created entirely with you in mind. It's nice when it happens because it allows me/you to forgive all of the media released that so callously exists without any recognition of my/your needs whatsoever. Of course, the things that come out with an intended audience of me are usually universally reviled things like Mars Attacks. Still.

Anyway, the current book. As far as I know, it was released today. Here's the cover (which I took from BN.com if you're interested in that sort of thing).

So, yeah. It's a book that ranks stuff. In bracket form! This is the best thing ever, especially since I spent the better part of last Spring with a dry erase board with a pre-printed bracket imagining who would win a battle between my cat and a taco or the wind and a mesh baseball cap. Oh, it's exciting.

And, really the book looks fairly legit and cool and all that. I'm kind of excited about getting my hands on it. Eventually. I made a fairly large purchase recently and I probably shouldn't run out and get anything else frivolous. But this book does look fun.

So our current match-up is staying inside vs. reporting for jury duty. Ack, I think I know what wins this one.

Vibraphone

2007-02-20T10:05:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things to do when teaching a poetry writing class is to have the class (as a unit) decide on a poem title that they will all use when writing a new poem. Each student comes up with three, we write 'em all up on the board and then vote it down until we get one. I got the idea from Nance Van Winckel back when I was getting my MFA and it has served me well since. Previous titles in my classes have included "Flattened Penny Trainwreck" and "Reindeer Fury" (which was chosen at a time that was really not that close to Christmas, by the way).

So this semester, my advanced poetry class has come up with "Vibraphone" (which edged out "Damn Drunks"). Anyone want to give it a shot too? A poem with "Vibraphone" as a title. How tough can it be? I've been working on one too -- whether or not it has anything to do with this guy, I won't say:

Say what you will about him. He's got an impressive instrument.

And, yeah, if anybody wants to share their Vibraphone poems, post 'em on the comments.

Always Wanted to see Jus Rhyme in Person?

2007-02-19T23:30:00.000-05:00

If you're around Kalamazoo this weekend, here's an event to check out -- two of the stars of vh1's (white) rapper show will be paired with two faculty members at WMU to discuss racism and what can be done on a community level. Should be interesting. Hopefully.

It's at 7 pm at the Berhard Center, room 208. See you there.

Just in Case...

2007-02-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

If I lost any of my demographic from that last post about literature and interviews and Charlie Rose and what-not, here's a silly picture from the web to try and win 'em back. Well, the picture's as silly as a photo featuring an artist's rendering of a rapist can be.

Someday Soon

2007-02-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

As was suggested to me not long ago by Molly Jo Rose, this blog seems like a good place to do things beyond just posting funny videos of vegans or posts about celebrities I'm told I look like (both of which are certainly staples of the O v. C that aren't going anywhere). Specifically, the idea is that I can occasionally post interviews (that will likely be somewhat tongue-in-cheek) with writers and people involved somehow in the book/publishing/writing/performing biz.

Obviously, I envision myself in this way:

Look how thoughtful and caring Charlie Rose is. One hand folded gently into the other -- the fingers not crossed in what would undoubtedly be an aggressive gesture. He's really interested in whatever it is that whoever this is he's talking to has to say. I mean, my chin isn't nearly that dimpled, but I can do this. Yeah, "tell me about this new book." That feels pretty natural. "What's the publishing life like these days?" Man, I've got a thousand of these. I should probably save 'em for the actually interviews. Or, you know, Charlie Rose (upon Googling himself) might have found this page and begun writing them down.

And those actually interviews, of course, depend somewhat upon my reading public (if 4 constitutes a public). Would you or someone you know be a good fit for a segment on Octopus vs. Chipmunk? Let me know (and that includes you, Charlie Rose). I have a couple of interviews in the works, but I would certainly like to have more.

So yeah, someday soon, we'll do something like this.

And they're all Cardinals now. Weird.

2007-02-17T17:17:00.001-05:00

These are, of course, three of my favorite baseball players. And somebody found a clip of them "acting" in a tv show. And I found the clip.

And, wow, they were/are a good infield, but they're not very good actors. Shocking, I know. They seem starstruck only there aren't any stars they get to be in this scene with (though the guy is in the not-soccer "Kicking and Screaming" and he is awesome. In that. Not this).

And, totally, I know Spezio, Eckstein, Kennedy -- would recognize them anywhere. But I'll admit these guys might not be the biggest marque names in sports. But, man, the cast here does their best to sell these three like they're Magic, Bird, and Jordan in their Dream Team jerseys. The guy looks like he's going to flip out. And the She-Spies are all coy, but they know what's up. That's Adam Kennedy. Adam Kennedy. This isn't just a normal day with the She-Spies. This is HUGE.

Think they fought over who got to say the "Who wants to be touched by an Angel?" line. Kennedy got it, I think. But Eckstein gets to pull a monkey out of his pants, so everybody's happy.

But really, if these ballplayers aren't great, I'm going to blame the writing of this show more than anything else. Anybody actually know what this show is? She-Spies? I don't know it, and I think that's saying something.

Anyway, they're all on the same team again, so maybe they'll get together for another acting gig. Here's hoping that, at the very least, local St. Louis tv viewers get to watch them advertise something or other.

And, stay tuned for the special bonus Stuart Scott footage. And local LA news personalities. Man, this show is STAR-STUDDED. But, yeah, without the stars.

Literature for Dummies

2007-02-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

Because Octopus vs. Chipmunk is, at its heart, a literature website (well, that's a keyword I clicked once on some kind of search engine registry), I figured it was time to talk about literature. Like, you know, what is it.

When I'm in doubt at moments like this, I do one of two things. Curl into the fetal position in a corner of the room behind the door and cry. Or go to Wikipedia. I already cried once today, so let's go to Wikipedia!

So, I typed "literature" and clicked.

And I received a lengthy and thorough article in return. Which was cool 'cause I was thinking that Wikipedia was mostly just dedicated to Japanese cartoon characters (and yes, I'm using the word "cartoons" in anticipation of a backlash) and obscure actors and actresses.

I think I once noticed that Steve Feffer, faculty member at Western Michigan and a playwright who has had a great deal of stuff produced and published, had a Wikipedia entry. It is no longer there, which made me realize that someone consciously decided that this writer--who has work can be read or seen in performance with little difficulty--was not worth a Wikipedia entry.
But you can find Lisa Rieffel which, obviously, would be a more useful resource for research. She is much hotter than Steve, though.

That picture of her? Came from a website called "King of Queens World." That made me sad.

Also, the "anime" page is larger than the "literature" page, though not by much. So there's a chance this literature thing can make it after all.

So let's see what it says about literature. I'll leave all those links in there in case you need to refer back to find out what an "historical period" is. Go ahead, I can wait.

"Nations can have literatures, as can corporations, philosophical schools or historical periods. Popular belief commonly holds that the literature of a nation, for example, comprises the collection of texts which make it a whole nation. "

So, confess, you clicked on "nations" and "nation" to see if they were the same, right? Or did you simply forget the definition of "nation" by its second appearance? Though they didn't give us the hyperlink by its third appearance. Hmmm, maybe they developed enough confidence in their readers to assume they don't need it hypertexted three times. Oh well, hopefully someone will fix it someday. And then unfix it. Oh, the cycle of wikis.

One thing I really dig about this first sentence, the thing that gives me a tremendous amount of hope (you can read that as "no hope," by the way) is that "corporations" is listed second among the possible entities that can have literature. Nations first. Corporations second! Second! And then, sure, philosophical schools or historical periods, but those are afterthoughts. And what about specific cultures, ethnic backgrounds, communities built on a shared racial background or gender? That's too liberal, I suppose, so we won't even consider it a real afterthought 'cause, yeah, no one talks about African-American Literature or Women's Literature. But they're always talking about Citicorp Literature. In fact, I believe I'll be teaching a class on the Literature of General Mills next semester. We'll mostly be reading cereal boxes, but it's very worthwhile. Here is one of our primary texts:

The article doesn't seem to talk much about "literature" as a term referring to documents you would distribute to elucidate some subject matter of importance to the entity (like a church or a corporation would use), yet the word "corporation" still appears. Thank you, mysterious wiki user, for making sure that even in an entry that spends most of its time discussing artistic writing (well, trying to discuss artistic writing), you still get me thinking about capitalism and business. For no actual reason. Bravo.

Anyway, later in the entry, it discusses poetry and makes this little claim:

"Language and tradition dictate some poetic norms: Persian poetry always rhymes, Greek poetry rarely rhymes, Italian or French poetry often does, English and German can go either way (although modern non-rhyming poetry often, perhaps unfairly, has a more "serious" aura)"

"Perhaps unfairly?" It's little statements like that and the corporation crap that make Wikipedia so dangerous. These little subtle things that people stick into wikis that seem innocuous if you don't know the subject very well. I mean, to make a statement like "non-rhyming poetry often, perhaps unfairly, has a more "serious" aura" shows either a lack of knowledge of any poetry since Whitman or a complete disregard for contemporary poetry (and the use of the word "modern" also shows that this editor is a fairly clueless tool, assuming that modern, I'm guessing, means "now"). And quoting the word ""serious"" so as to emphasis how foolish and lazy people who don't write in rhyme are, mocking the mere idea that what they do is serious.

I'm guessing this person has not spent a huge chunk of the last eight years reading poems for literary journals. If had, "perhaps" it could be determined that people who write in rhyme today are usually completely unversed (that's a pun) on the ins and outs of contemporary lit (and therefore not really part of it) or trying to be funny. There is an outlet for people who excel in writing exclusively in rhyme and rhythm -- it's called popular music. Be serious there. Not in English poetry. Which, oddly, has evolved in very interesting way since Tennyson. You should look some of those writers up. Wikipedia has entries on some of them.

Oh, and in its "poets" entry, it lists these guys as being among the most influential and profound writers in English literature.:

Chaucer, William Shakespeare, John Milton, Wordsworth, John Keats, W. B. Yeats, T. S. Eliot and Ezra Pound.

It's kind of no-brainer list. Sort of. There are only so many you can list. But Pound? Seems odd. Somewhere Blake is smashing his head against a wall in sadness and disgust.

The 19th Century is for Losers

2007-02-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

Much to my delight, I have learned that one of my all-time favorite songwriters/vocalists is going to be singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl today. That is, of course, Billy Joel.

Okay, that was sarcasm. I don't so much like Billy Joel. In fact, he really bothers me on levels that I'm not even sure I fully understand. But I'll allow you to travel into my dark dark heart by listening to my inner-thoughts as I read an article about Billy Joel's feelings about singing at the big game.

This is the part of the blog where I would put a picture representing the subject of my blog. But I don't want to lower myself to that. So here's a picture of Prince, who will be singing at halftime. Prince is cool.

I've included the article I found in red italics. My responses are blue. Patriotic, eh?

While Prince (see picture above--my note) will tackle the half-time show at Miami's Dolphin Stadium, Sunday's Super Bowl XLI will kick off with the National Anthem sung by Billy Joel – who calls it "a tough song."

"It's not the greatest song ever written," Joel, 57, told a group of reporters in Miami Beach this week, when asked how it is to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner. "What it represents is a terrific thing. But 'America The Beautiful' is actually a better song."

So, according to Billy Joel, freedom (which I guess we can safely say is what the song represents) is a "terrific thing." That's big of you. But it isn't the best song ever written. Which, while likely true, is also true of every self-indulgent crap lyric Billy Joel ever put to pen. And while Billy is forced to sing this song that is evidently beneath him for the joy and pleasure of all of us, we can rest assured in knowing that brilliant tunes like "Uptown Girl" probably won't be sung much in a couple hundred years. Unlike the lousy song he has to sing today.

What makes the Frances Scott Key lyrics so tough, Joel explained, is that the anthem, "was written early in the 19th century, and that's the vernacular of the song. Nobody remembers the lyrics because they don't know what they mean. The melody is difficult, and everybody drops out in the high notes. It's kind of a slog, actually."

Geez, everybody knows that nothing done or written in the 19th century is worth anything. Well, except "America the Beautiful," I guess, but the version we know was written in the first decade or two of the twentieth century and, clearly, the vernacular is pretty much the same then as it is now. There were some huge linguistic shifts from 1800 to 1890, but for the hundred years following, nothing changed.

And, man, this guy's an ass. People don't remember the words to the song because they don't know what they mean? Is that why the lyrics of a Billy Joel songs are so simple? Because we're dealing with a guy without the capacity to understand complex lyrics like "bombs bursting in air" and "broad stripes and bright stars." Look, here's the plot of the song -- there's a war, a guy sees the American flag waving and he realizes that, in even this most desperate time, the resilience and courage that flag represents is still alive. Seems like a pretty decent song to me and if you have trouble remembering the words because a couple of them are too big for you or you're frightened by the "vernacular" of a previous century, here's a suggestion: get a dictionary and shut up. Or, better yet, let someone else with a little more class and talent than you sing the song.

When asked what will be going through his mind just before the performance, he cracked: "Don't forget the words."

What a wit. Other things going through his mind: "Wow, I am Billy Joel. I am the greatest singer. Songwriter, too. I am lowering myself by singing this inferior song. I should be singing "Always a Woman." Or "She's Got a Way." Or "Just the Way You Are." I mean, they all sound the same, sure, but no one's noticed that. Yeah. "Just the Way You Are." That should be the National Anthem. I love you just the way you are, America. And why is Prince doing the halftime show? Everybody knows I'm way better than Prince. Maybe I should just write my own words to this stupid song. Stupid 19th century. I'm the Piano Man!"

Still someone must have liked the way Joel sang it before, since this will actually be a Super Bowl encore for him. The Grammy-winning Piano Man's other delivery of the National Anthem was prior to 1989's Super Bowl, also in South Florida.

Wow, what a gift this is to us. Twice. In one Super Bowl lifetime.

In fact, for a song that gives him problems, Joel sure seems to sing it a lot. "I did it at the Stanley Cup, I did it at the World Series, I did it at Super Bowl XXIII," he said, "so I'm kind of an old dinosaur doing this kind of thing."

I'm sorry, can someone interpret Billy's last quote for me? He's a lot older than I am and must be speaking in a dialectal vernacular that is difficult for me to wrap my brain around.

By the way, asked whom he favors to win – the Chicago Bears or the Indianapolis Colts – Joel replied: "I have no idea. I was rooting for New York."

I hate this garbage too. Look. If the Super Bowl people think enough of you to put you out there as the opening to their biggest event of the year and are obviously paying you way more than you would ever deserve to sing for three minutes, shouldn't you at least pretend to have an interest in the game? Couldn't you just say, "I'm excited to be at the game. It's such a great event, I love getting to go back." Not "well, they're making sing I song I hate at an game between two teams I don't know or care about." Yeah, that doesn't make me want to watch you kick off (so to speak) the event.

So, yeah, I'm excited. Go Billy Joel. Don't screw up.

Look at that Lizard! He picks up rocks as if they're nothing!

2007-02-04T10:45:00.001-05:00

I'm not so much a Star Trek fan (a "Trekkie" as the kids call 'em these days), but even I couldn't help but be compelled by the action of this clip.

Here's hoping today's Super Bowl battle can feature action half as exciting as this fight.

Terror of the Mooninites.

2007-02-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

Oh man, Boston was engulfed in a bomb scare that, evidently, nearly paralyzed the city. Fortunately, there was no threat, it was just an ad campaign for Aqua Teen Hunger Force. An ad campaign that had apparently been running in several other cities with no problems. Here's a local Boston news report about the incident. And notice how fair and balanced this report is.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Confuses Boston

What I enjoy most about this story is the tone established by the media and law enforcement. There's no sense of relief or anything like that--it's all anger directed toward the ad campaign to divert us all from the fact that they were too stupid to realize that the Light Brights being hung in various places were not actually bombs. My favorite quote might just be when the Police Commissioner assures us that "concern is lessened." Concerned is lessened? Lessened? There is no concern! You figured out the thing was an ad!

And you know those old Energizer Bunny ads that made you think for a moment you were watching an ad for something and then the bunny showed up and it turned out to be an ad for batteries? Yeah, that's a hoax, too.

Nugget.

2007-02-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

So, I’m checking out the sport news this morning and see that the NBA All-Star team has been announced in full (yeah, this might not be the most exciting blog entry). So, anyway, the headline for this article is “The Stars Come Out,” which is fine and innocuous, as a SI.com article about something as frivolous but entertaining as an All-Star Game likely should be, but then the subheading reads, “Carmelo does not make squad.”

Now, does every single thing have to have a story attached to it to make it controversial? Can’t some things in our lives just exist as a playful diversion? Does the media have to make everything a controversy? The first six paragraphs in the only SI.com article I found about the announcement of the reserves for the teams were about Carmelo Anthony being left off—before we even mention that three members of one team were picked and the guy who’s the best player on the best team making it on.

Denver Nugget star Carmelo Anthony is a good basketball player who lead the league in scoring but plays in a conference where every team seems to have a superstar or two. But he got into a well-publicized fight (and, oddly enough, every NBA fight becomes well-publicized) and was suspended for a few games, so this omission gives us a chance to remember that. And, honestly, I wouldn’t have even noticed he was missing from the team if the first six paragraphs hadn’t told me. Six.

Now, I could've included a picture of Carmelo Anthony, but that would, it seems to me, indicate I was engaging in the same type of reporting as the people I'm criticizing. So, instead, I include a picture of a Caramello bar, which shares all of its letters with Carmelo's first name.

It seems to have been building in all media over a long period of time – the first reaction on the Oscar nominations was “Dreamgirls got screwed” even though the movies nominated for Best Picture give us more stories and angles than you could possibly want (and Dreamgirls was nominated for a boatload of stuff, just not best picture). Besides, if you want to complain about a movie that should been nominated for Best Picture and didn’t, that would be “Children of Men,” but I’m complaining about said trend, so I shouldn’t engage in it.

I wonder if the WMU English Departmental Newsletter takes this tack with the Creative Writing Awards? “Poetry Awards Announced: Olsen Doesn’t Win.” Likely not. Those jerks'll probably just announce the winners and be done with it. They clearly don't get it.

Oh, and Suns guard Steve Nash, who has made comments critical of the war effort in Iraq, also made the team. He’s also the two-time defending league most valuable player and a likely front-runner to win it again, but who cares about that? Even if he does win it again, we’ll just be talking about how much Kobe was screwed out of the award. Sigh.

Super Bowl Preview

2007-01-31T09:13:00.000-05:00

Even more brilliant than my "the better looking candidate always wins the presidency and the better looking he is than the other guy dictates how much he'll win by" theory is my "the Super Bowl mascot that would win a battle between the two represents the team that always wins." Think about it.

Or don't. I didn't really think about it until this moment, so this totally might not be true. Although, last year it was the Steelers and the Seahawks and I think it's perfectly reasonable to think that a well-armed steel worker could maim a seahawk. And before that, the Patriots beat the Eagles and I think a Patriot with a musket could likely take out an Eagle (but, obviously, the legitimacy of the title of "patriot" would brought into extreme question, killing an Eagle and all).

So that brings up to this year's match-up. Who you got?

vs.

Venting

2007-01-30T21:56:00.000-05:00

See that vent at the top of this picture? The one in-between the cat statue and the upside boxes? The one above the kitchen windows?

It's been making noise. More specifically, the bird stuck inside has been making noise. It's fairly uncomfortable, probably more for the bird than me really, but still. I wanna be a good vegan -- I want to make sure I'm worthy of the Humane Society and PETA membership cards I carry in my wallet -- but it doesn't seem like there's a heck of a lot I can do for the bird besides root for it to get out. So, go bird! I'm pulling for you.

Hey, I didn't put a picture on that last entry!

2007-01-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

Geez, after giving you visuals for so long, I can't suddenly just stop. So here's a picture of me juggling. Hopefully this makes everything better.

WMU College Republicans Rule!

2007-01-23T08:53:00.000-05:00

WMU College Republicans nation's best

Congratulation, WMU College Republicans for all the fine work you've done in the years I've been at Western! You always bring in innovative thinkers who really do their part to create a discourse about our nation's issues while never bringing the discussion to the level of inane name-calling and blind partisanship. People like Ann Coulter who was here, not for her (alleged) sensationalism that would certainly create headlines but because of her strong ties to academia (of course, Western doesn't have a law school, but I'm sure there was a good reason she was here beyond the fact that she'd make those liberals mad. Right?)

Congratulations to the College Republicans for their great effort a couple of years ago when, to promote a Pat Buchanan reading on campus that happened to fall on Cesar Chavez Day, they posted flyers that read "Viva Buchanan," something that isn't at all racist or discriminatory, especially in light of the open and loving relationship Buchanan has long had with our Mexican neighbors.

And at long last these college Republicans are being recognized for their intelligence and insight. The week before the above mentioned Buchanan reading, a friend and I attended one of their meetings and, when someone asked, "Who is Cesar Chavez?" no one seemed to know, instead at first giving a description of Che Gueverra (Che Gueverra!) When someone finally did provide an answer, it was to describe Chavez as "the poor Mexican's Martin Luther King." It's that sensitivity that sets our college Republicans apart.

And let's not forgot the efforts these college Republicans make to brighten up campus, making sure their flyers are everywhere whether it's a place where flyers are permitted or not. And they're great with clean-up too, especially if it's another organization's event and they're against it--they'll show their desire for tidying the campus by taking down those flyers before the event even happens. That's dedication. And besides, who really wants to see An Inconvenient Truth? It's such a downer.

So, good work, College Republicans. You've earned it.

Here's a vegan guy

2007-01-20T18:30:00.001-05:00

I was reading through my animal rights propaganda and it told me that my New Year's Resolution should be to display some vegan propaganda on my blog. Since my other New Year's Resolution (the one about eating less barbeque sauce) has gone pretty well (aside from last tuesday's 'drinking from the bottle,' but that was a tough day), I figured I'd post some vegan stuff on my blog. PETA'd probably want me to post something with baby bunnies being fed kitty hearts or something (shame on you KFC!)but I'll opt for this vegan cooking guy instead. And if the chance of being more like this guy doesn't convince you to go vegan, nothing will.

Oh, and for those of you I haven't actually met in the real world, this is pretty much exactly what I'm like. All vegans are like this.

Loy Toaster

2007-01-20T11:57:00.000-05:00

So I was reading this article this morning...

Mystery visitor makes 58th appearance at Poe's Grave

And, obviously, it brought up the question of what celebrity/icon/etc. would I like to create the tradition of visiting on an annual basis simply to leave flowers and whatever item I feel represents my relationship with them. And with what celebrity would this ceremony be significant enough to warrant passing on the tradition to my future generations? And what would be and my future children/grandchildren wear to such a ceremony so that we would be recognized as clearly as the "Poe Toaster?"

So here's what I've come up with:

Mina Loy. She was an exceptional artist and writer and her poetry should certainly be more recognized than it currently is--perhaps the pilgrimages undertaken by me and my future generations will bring more attention to her work. That Poe Toaster's got it wrong--what's the use of making a spectacle around the memory of someone who is already more famous than they ought to be?

Besides, she's buried in Aspen and if I'm going to take an annual trek somewhere, it might as well be a vacation spot.

As for what to bring her, she's a writer who turned her nose at the traditional romantic notions of love so roses are out. I think, maybe a flower that has significantly non-romantic overtones would be more fitting. Flower experts out there can advise me as to what that might be.

And, to recognize her poems that satirized a series of travel guides by naming them after a popular series and then making the poems more of an internal guide to travel the self, I will bring a different Frommer's-type travel book about a different place each year and inside each book I will highlight words that could be connected into one of Loy's poems. Hey, if I had time to this pilgrimage, I figure I have time to do a lot of things.

And I'd wear a nice suit and try to look presentable. She was quite the looker back in the day.

So, fair readers, where would your pilgrimage lead you?

Before there was LOST, there was phone sex.

2007-01-19T21:18:00.001-05:00

I'm not encouraging you to call this number. Keep that in mind. I just happen to recall a friend of mine referring to the character that the featured actress plays on some tv show or another as the embodiment of "sweaty post-feminism" (and I really shouldn't quote when I don't know the exact words. But whatever).

So, in the life of the actress, perhaps this is pre-feminism.

Still, I hope she met someone nice. And tall.

How 'bout a reading?

2007-01-13T11:39:00.000-05:00

So, next Friday, 7:30 PM, 10th Floor, Sprau Tower, Western Michigan U., Kalamazoo, we're going to be throwin' ourselves a literary hootenanny complete -- Third Coast Grad Student Reading style -- with poetry, fiction, and who knows what else (that means just poetry and fiction, if you're wondering). Here are picture of the poets who will be performing that night, complete with bookshelves to add legitimacy. You know this guy. It's Jason Olsen, who promises to read a lot of stuff he's made you listen to before. Sound fun?

And you might know her...it's the lovely Cindy St. John! Her photo's legitimacy is much more, um, legit than mine above because mine is just an imitation. Her poems, of course, have no equal:

And here's Vincent Reusch, an iconoclast to the end. Books behind Vinny? Pashaw. (How does one spell that sound, really?) Give him a lake and some wide open spaces and he can make his own fiction --fiction that would be really really great.

So come and join us. Food and beverage will be provided. Any questions? Requests? Etc.? Post 'em in a comment, will ya?

You Got Yourself a Fish Biscuit!

2007-01-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

I know I'm a complete lost cause. Did you notice the implied italics on the word lost in the last sentence? No? Well, I made a batch of Lost-themed cookies a couple months back and I figured I should show a picture of one of those cookies. Here it is:

Oh, did I mention that I took this picture today? As in this cookie has been sitting on my kitchen table for the last few months? Yeah, well, I've been meaning to photograph it for a while, just hadn't gotten around to it.

Anyway, I can throw it out now. I wonder if that will make my house smell any better?

Something Rotting in the Basement

2007-01-09T20:51:00.000-05:00

I am indeed back -- spanning the continent from Vegas to Toronto (with an unnecessarily long stay in the airport in Chicago) -- and I am here to discuss an issue that is important to, likely, everyone. Yes, I want to talk about the way my apartment smells.

I was only back in town for a few hours on the terrible travel day after getting back to Kalamazoo (at 2:30 am) before turning around to leave on a bus for a weekend trip to Toronto (at 6:30 am), but I did notice something in the flurry of action and sleep that I managed in those four hours.

My house smells like cat pee. Like, really strong cat pee. It was awful really. For those needing a reminder, here is the leading candidate (of those in my household) to produce horrible smelling feline urine:

Well, after determining the main cause of this problem was likely two towels he had, ahem, marked, the situation in the bathroom -- and the house overall -- was improved. The place smells mostly of bleach now. Which is, if you were wondering, not quite what Bender's pee smells like. His pee smells more like futility and laziness.

This whole "bad smells" thing reminds me of something I was going to blog about before I left for Vegas -- I was minding my own business one fine December day last month, relaxing (not chillaxing, mind you, just relaxing) after lunch, when my wacky upstairs neighbor Amanda came by. Here's the packaged meal I had prepared and eaten that day (something I didn't think was half-bad):

Well, Amanda came into my kitchen and nodded with satisfaction, discovering the source of a smell that had been bothering -- nay, torturing her -- for a few minutes. Enough, evidently, to go downstairs in our shared basement to see if an animal had died and started rotting. Which she told me -- among other descriptions of what my lunch smelled like -- while it sat there in my stomach, likely being a bit offended. In my mind, my Simply Asia meal smelled and tasted fine, but to the outside world it was apparently more like the one out of three restaurants I passed in Toronto's Chinatown that had a pile of vomit sitting outside the front door.

So don't be a strong be a strong smell in my apartment, that's my warning to you. You might be too much for me and my friends to handle.

hiatus

2006-12-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

This is a friendly note to inform you that Octopus vs. Chipmunk is (most likely) not going to be updated until the beginning of next month. I'm in Vegas and, while the computer I'm using here is fine (albeit a bit slow) for normal online functions, it doesn't really dig the idea of me updating my blog much (and it especially hates the idea of me using pictures and whatnot, which is really troublesome because all those pictues are necessary to create the illusion of cleverness that is so important to my blogging).

So Happy Holidays and be sure to check me out in January. Because, you know, creating an even greater illusion of cleverness and being more self-promotional (sometimes) are my New Year's resolution. Along with reading more books about woodworking and trying to make a documentary about Taft. You gotta have your thing.

Getting stronger

2006-12-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, the thing is--I really like the Rocky movies. I once came to the rather sad conclusion that, no matter what else was on at the same time, I'd likely watch Rocky III if I happened to stumble across it while scanning the channels. As anyone who has watched Rocky III with the least amount of objectivity can attest (and that doesn't include me, of course) it's really kind of terrible. I mean, the plot is paper thin, the fights are ridiculous, the homo-eroticism is kind of silly. But, you know, if nothing else, you get to see Carl Weathers dressed like this:

(Most of this scene consists of Apollo and Rocky running along the beach in slow motion. They wrestle each other to the ground at one point. In sheer joy and happiness. No lie).

Anyway, what with the new Rocky movie coming out in a few weeks, it seems that Rocky-fever is gripping the nation. I mean, really, gripping the nation. Who hasn't felt it? (Put your hands down, America, you wise-crackers). And what with the torrent of conversation about the forthcoming Rocky, we have also experienced a deluge of new Rocky merchandise.

Actually, I have no idea if that's true. It probably isn't. Deluge? Torrent? Yeah, that's stretching it. But I did see some new Rocky action figures in Toys R Us when I was looking for a large foam airplane a couple of months ago and they were--what's the word?--hype. And before I go off on the easy route of jokes here--the whole "what kid would actually want a Paulie action figure?" tirade--obviously these action figures would be less geared toward kids and more geared toward dorks like me that actually think their desk and/or bookcase would benefit from
the addition of this:

And for everyone playing along at home wondering, "What does Jayce want for Christmas?" let it be known that my earlier comment was a joke. My bookcase would not benefit from having a Paulie doll. It would benefit, however, from this....

Holy Crap! It's a Brent Musberger action figure! This might be stupidest action figure that has ever existed in the history of the world (and, yeah, that's a challenge. Please prove me wrong). But still, Brent Musberger? The sportscaster? I'm really holding out hope that the figure is so popular that an entire wave of sportscaster action figures follow. Oh, the possibilities. But those possibilities, dear reader, I leave to you. Because now I have something bigger on which to focus my attention. I must focus my attention to this:

There are no words, my friends. There are simply no words.

Spoon!

2006-12-12T16:50:00.000-05:00

Chapel loves T.J. Maxx. Personally, I think it's fairly uninteresting, but everytime I mention needing anything -- anything -- she tells me, "oh T.J. Maxx has that and it's cheap." And I have bought a couple of things there -- a cookie sheet, a big red bowl, and a cutting board come immediately to mind -- that I think we're fairly smart purchases, but there's one purchase from T.J. Maxx that was not a smart purchase, though I can't blame myself for it.

The purchase in question would be these measuring spoons:

They look fairly passable, right? (And that T.J. Maxx cutting board behind them is handsome) I mean, these spoons are stainless steel, attractive, and (perhaps most importantly) look capable of measuring things. So they would certainly appear to be a smart purchase. They were sealed up when I bought them (so that I could only see the first spoon), but I had no reason to think this purchase would be ill-advised.

There are five spoons in this collection and these are the first two. Pinch and 1/8 tsp. Now, I thought it was kinda cool when I saw these spoons that "pinch" was one of the measurements because you don't see that everyday (likely because you don't need to, but whatever). But having "pinch" and 1/8 tsp seems pretty limited. And these spoons, it becomes quite clear, are dedicated to the teaspoon, so the chances of finding a rather useful "tablespoon" measuring spoon are slim, which limits the value of this set. But teaspoons are being called for in recipes all over the non-metric world and what with 1/4 and 1/2 tsps and that all important 1 teaspoon measurement right around the corner, there's no need to worry.

Or worry. 2/3 teaspoons? Is this that necessary? Does this come up often enough to actually warrant the dedicated spoon? All right, the suspense is killing me, what are the last two spoons?

You know what I say to you, T.J. Maxx? Screw you. You sell me a set of teaspoon measuring spoons and there is not a spoon in the collection that measures a teaspoon? Or even a 1/2 teaspoon? Who is this product being marketed to (besides dumb guys that don't pay enough attention to things before they buy them?)? Is this for the measuring spoon collector who has everything?

So I had to get a Kitchen Aid measuring spoon set that was less stainless steel but much more red and a lot more useful. I have held onto these though. Just in case I need exactly a 1/8 and a pinch of something, I'll be ready.

My Many Faces

2006-12-11T21:24:00.000-05:00

Look. It's some earlier shorter-haired version of me from what I assumed would be a long-since abandoned website page. But here it is. I found this picture when I was image searching my name. I thought it might be interesting to see what other Jason Olsen's look like. So I decided to undertake this search using the Alta Vista Image Search option because, really, who uses Alta Vista anymore? Let's love Alta Vista. They need us. Google doesn't need us. They only pretend.

This guy needs his dad. They're fixing a car together and they look tired. Or maybe dad just looks tired. Or frustrated. He'd be more frustrated if that Jason Olsen next to him helping him with that car was me because I'd be even less help. For example, I've been referring to that vehicle as a car. It's clearly a truck. So, yeah, this would end badly.

I know him...that's Major Jackson! He's a very good, very cool poet with whom I conducted an interview in Third Coast a few years ago. He and I look very little alike, really, but this picture does pop up when I searched out myself, evidently because that aforemention interview is on Major's website. If you're not familiar with him, check out his site -- www.majorjackson.com

I think my namesake is riding that bull with the scary eyes. My namesake is a bit crazy, but whatever. I'm also guessing this Jason Olsen is not at all a vegan. But maybe he's one of those bullriders who is trying to end the abuse of animals from the inside. Much like the guy I saw once on the hot dog eating championships who claimed to be a vegetarian. Except those few occasions in which he would eat, say, 32 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Other than that, total vegetarian.

Dude. I am not and never was one of these guys. But one of them shares my name. Somewhere during this conversation, that guy in the Champion shirt (is that made of of mesh?!?) made the comment that Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness was the best album ever made and that guy sitting on the edge of the couch showed his agreement by falling off the arm of the couch onto the ground. The guy in the middle laughed hysterically for the next forty five minutes, forgetting what he was laughing about ten or twelve seconds in.

Is she really as happy as she should be? That's a Jason Olsen she's touching heads with. I'm worried about this thing between them. Sigh. It's out of my control. Perhaps I should just move on.

This Jason Olsen is likely in a band. I'm hoping that shirt is part of the band uniform. It's pretty rocking. If he's not in a band, I hope he's a lawyer or something.

This Jason Olsen is a game developer. I think. I wonder if he's responsible for all those Nintendo controllers people are throwing into their TV's and shattering? That new Wii controller, the one you swing all motion-sensor-like around to use, evidently slides out of people's hands and into TV's. And windows. And babies. I don't know about the babies part, honestly, but maybe. And it might be my namesake's fault.

Look at him, smirking. Thinking of all the broken babies and televisions. Sigh, I cannot help what the other Jason Olsens do.

Everywhere I go, there's music

2006-12-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

Because I pretty much allow my iPod to dictate the direction of my day and life, it seemed appropriate to highjack this little game from somebody else's blog. Hopefully my iTunes are as kind and occasionally funny and Nicky's were....

The rules are simple. Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING. Cheating is for losers. Cheaters never prosper. For visual aid, here is a cheater:

I mean, unless you count making millions of dollars, breaking countless records, and breaking countless hearts (I'm assuming). Regardless, I have not used any illegal steroids over the course of this blog entry. I did, of course, drink horse urine but as far as I know that isn't illegal. Yet.

Questions!

How does the world see you?
“I’ve Always Been Crazy” – Waylon Jennings

Sigh, World, c’mon, after all we’ve been through? You still think I’m crazy? Even after all those times where it was my absolute sanity that ended up saving the day? Oh well, I can’t question you. Well, as the song's lyric goes, “I’ve always been crazy, but that’s kept me from going insane.” So maybe this is a compliment!

Will I have a happy life?
“Grindstone” – Uncle Tupelo

“every hour will be spent/filling a quota, just getting along” Yay, life! Sign me up for more! And let's hope more of my life will be represented by feel-good Uncle Tupelo lyrics. Those guys just make you feel happy all over!

What do my friends really think of me?
“You’re so Good to Me” – The Beach Boys

Gee whiz, friends! You’re swell! I tell you, if there's one thing I've got it's a good bunch of friends. Even if they didn't actually have anything to do with this. And they all mock me behind their backs. But maybe they do recognize how good I am to them.

What do people secretly think of me?
“Soul of a Man” -- Ollabelle

So they secretly question the strength and quality of my soul? I just ask the world to keep this a secret so I don't have to address it. I like to keep my soul to myself.

How can I be happy?
“Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You” – Bob Dylan

Well, I’m not exactly sure who “you” are in this situation, but I suppose there is a chance that such a night could lead to happiness. (I almost spelled that last word “happyness.” Screw you, Will Smith with your movie and its faulty spelling.)

What should I do with my life?
"Comin’ Around" – Steve Earle

I was hoping this game would elucidate everything for me. That, however, was way too vague. Do better next time, random iTunes game.

What is some good advice for me?
“No Other Baby” – Paul McCartney

Ooookay, iTunes. Thanks for clearing that up. What I'm hoping for is that in ten years, I'll be facing my darkest moment looking for some kind of brilliant advice and I'll think "Wait a minute...what was that song I was supposed to listen to?" And, of course, I'll never remember it, because this song to ridiculously obscure. And I'll never get the necessary advice. And then I'll cry. A lot.

How will I be remembered?
“Shame on You” – Hot Hot Heat

All right, so my memory will be wrapped up in shame. Beautiful. If only I'd remember the name of that Paul McCartney song. Everything would be different.

What is my signature dancing song?
“Brown Eyed Girl” – Van Morrison

I just can’t keep my feet still. But only with this song. It’s my signature dance song. It makes me sing Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da.

What do I think my current theme song is?
“Let It Be” – A Nick Cave cover of The Beatles

Man, who knew how deep I was? And me, in my amazing depth, can't even be satisfied with that trite Beatles version. I need Nick Cave to express my current emotions.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall” – Bob Dylan

Well, at least everyone else thinks I’m deep too. So, thanks, everyone else.

What song will play at my funeral?
“Be True to Your School” – Beach Boys

I certainly hope this song is played at my funeral. In fact, I am going to demand it. Let me write a note right now. Okay done.

What type of men/women do you like?
“Country Trash” – Johnny Cash

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

What is my day going to be like? “Touch the Hand” – Conway Twitty
Oh. I’ve got nothing I can say to that.

I'd love to lay you down

2006-11-17T14:05:00.000-05:00

Are you having trouble finding the right words to say when you're trying to convince a virgin that she ought to be deflowered? Do you get tongue-tied when you need to describe your sexual effectiveness to a lady friend? Do you not know what to say when a woman thinks that maybe she ought to leave you and all the wonderful times you've had together? Are you searching for the right words to that'll allow you to lay down that lovely lady you've been eyeing? Well, there's only one man who can help you. And here he is.

That's right. Conway Twitty's here to break off the knowledge.

I don't know what I'm saying
as my trembling fingers touch forbidden places
I only know that I have waited
for so long for the chance that we are taking
I don't know andIi don't care
what made you tell him you don't love him
anymore and as I taste your tender kisses
I can tell you've never been this far before

Touch the hand of the man
that made you a woman.

I want to look inside your soul
before I lay you down.
I want to know you
before I make love to you.

There's a lot of ways of saying
what I wanna say to you
there's songs and poems and promises
and dreams that might come true
but I won't talk of starry skies
or moonlight on the ground
I'll come right out and tell you
I'd just love to lay you down

I Have No Reason to Be Afraid of Anything

2006-11-15T23:35:00.000-05:00

I'm holding, in my hand, the primary line of defense in my house. It's not just a pinata stick. It is the pinata stick. A remnant from some party from some forgotten age, the pinata stick has long stood tall as my unflinching security system.

When, last year, I heard people sneaking around my back door, snooping around my basement, checking to see if the door was unlocked, what do you think I did? I grabbed that pinata stick, that's what I did. And I held it in hand as I asked them what they thought they were doing. One of them bolted out of the house. The other stammered a nervous excuse before the pinata stick and I decided to let him live.

Sure, since Kevin moved in, we have his wide array of baseball bats, Civil War muskets, and Ninja Stars, but I'll keep this stick by my side.

Come on, punk. Get a little closer. So I can break you open. Let's find out what kind of candy you're stuffed with.

(Hey, kids, wanna play the "what's happening in the background of this picture" game? Well, for starters, Bender's eating! Neat! Longtime readers are well aware of Bender's affection for food! And, look, over on the stove--somebody's left a wooden spoon on a burner. Uh oh! That could be trouble!)

Me & Bender

2006-11-15T10:15:00.000-05:00

My cat and I have many small differences between us. For example, I don't mind wearing neckties and he hates them. He enjoys sleeping in small cardboard boxes, while I prefer beds. He likes to chase small toys that make bird sounds and I...well, maybe we have some things in common, but mostly not.

But there is one major difference between us--the personal relationship each of us has with food.

My relationship with food is primarily defined by two things: necessity and guilt. This isn't to say that I don't have things that I like to eat--I do. And when visiting the family especially, I eat a lot of those things. But when I'm home and busy and life is out of control (which I usually make it even when it really doesn't have to be), I have a tendency to only eat when I have to. So, you know, brink of dizziness because of lack of food.

And the guilt thing plays into my veganism, obviously. I don't have the variety of choices that other people have because of my somewhat obsessive concern for the treatment of others. I don't mind most of the comments from people about veganism, either. Except for the whole "well, you know lettuce have feelings, too" and "vegetables have physical reactions when you cut them" crap. Look, that's all fun and games to you, but I take this stuff seriously. I'm a little emotionally unstable, you know. If I am really convinced that a carrot cries inside when it's sliced, then I've got nothing. Nothing.

Anyway, enter Bender:

He just doesn't have the same concerns. For Bender, food equals love. Food equals a cure for his midnight boredom. Food equals bliss. So he likes to eat. He eats like a dog, really, sticking his face deep in the food bowl, not breathing until the bowl is empty.

He'll cry in the morning. He'll cry a little in the afternoon. Whenever Bender isn't being feed quickly enough, he'll let you know. And, sadly, it's not like he's working the pounds off very quickly. I've even provided the photographic evidence. Sigh. I'm not going to call him fat because he's my cat and he lives with me. But you can call that, I guess.

Let's not get the wrong idea about either one of us, though. I don't think of myself as the crazy "world is ending" kind of vegan, blowing up buildings and all that. And Bender is very sweet and affectionate. After he's eaten a quarter of his weight in cat food.

I just want everyone to know what they're getting into in case you invite Bender and me over for dinner. We expect to get several invitations soon.

Basketball rocks!

2006-11-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

College basketball is back! Man, that's exciting stuff. I hope we're able to get a game as compelling as the Bradley vs. Pittsburgh showdown that took place last season. See?

I hope Georgetown plays Clooney College this year.

Board 2

2006-11-14T21:33:00.000-05:00

So, Robin's reply to my last post about the need for a Nip/Tuck board game (which would be genius) made me wonder how exactly that last post of mine didn't end up in a discussion about what TV shows would make great board games.

Emily's Reasons Why Not
This is based on that Heather Graham show that was on last year. The object is to see how long you can play before somebody runs over to the game, takes the board, laughs at you, and then kicks you in the face.

It can be play alongside with the board game based on John Stamos' show Jake in Progress, which, compared to Emily's Reasons Why Not ran had a run that rivaled FDR.

Monk
The object is to win without touching the game board or any of the playing pieces. I'd have more clever things to say if I'd ever seen an episode of Monk But I'm just assuming that that wacky OCD is the driving gag of the show, so there you go.

According to Jim

The object is to collect as many Jim-isms as possible and say them in your best "Jim" voice. One of the most exciting challenges is the fun-filled "What would Jim do" round where you handle tough issues like "It's Jim's anniversary, but the guys are going to play cards. What would Jim do?" Oh, the fun.

Another intriguing aspect of this game is that it goes on for much longer than you'd expect it to. Years, in fact.

The Nine
Just like the Lost board game, except no one will actually play it. But it's the second game on our list with a former cast member of Wings. The Wings board game is still in the developmental stages. 'Cause I can't think of anything funny to say about it (like that's stopped me so far. But still).

Dancing with the (Pet)Stars
This is the dream game for Mario Lopez fans! Each of the playing pieces is Mario from a different stage of his career (Slater Mario, Greg Louganis Mario, Pet Star Mario, That Talk Show that was Kind Of a Male Version of the View Mario, Dancin' Mario) and you move him around the board and have adventures and stuff.

Board.

2006-11-14T18:37:00.000-05:00

So, I'm a very exciting person, living a life filled with unexpected turns and wacky twists. I live life on the edge and am never afraid to embrace danger and then kick it in the face.

And all that being said, I kinda like board games. And I kinda like that show Lost that everybody's always talking about. Er, at least I'm always talking about.

So. Lost Board Game. Gold.

Um, well. I don't want to say it's not gold, at least not after one exploratory trip into the game. But I can say that it's the kind of gold that seems kind of neat and shiny when it's sitting all reasonably priced-like in the store then just confuses you with all of its rules once you open the cheaply made tin box. Y'know, that kind of gold.

There are a lot of rules to this game. Here's my proof:
http://www.lostboardgame.com/rules.html

I fully expect you read all of those rules. I'll wait. It's pivotal to your understanding of the rest of this blog.

Okay. You done?

So, there's our problem. I didn't navigate through the four round on-line walkthrough of the game first. Man, Connect Four so totally never required this.

And, really, the thing might be remarkably fun. But Chapel and I just sort of ended up staring at the board for, I dunno, four hours before throwing it aside and grabbing the Candy Land board.

I lied in that last paragraph. I said that Chapel and I stared at the board. That's not true because there is no board. There's this:

Which becomes a board. Sort of. Maybe I guess. I was too busy keeping Boone and Sayid's faces inside the little plastic holders. But they're handsome and stuff, so that's good. Evidently I was supposed to move their faces around and do stuff. But then I read the rules and realized the goal of the game was to simply lay all of the crap out over my table and then read all of the rules. Over and over again. Where I can uncover cool bits of info like this:

If Ana Lucia lands on a Location with an opponent's Character, she must engage them (if more than one are at the same Location, you choose one). If you win a Power Check against a Character, you may choose to Injure that Character.

or this:

The base powers of any Characters adjacent to Claire, but not in a Power Check with Claire, count towards her power in a Power Check. Claire alone may attempt to lead Characters at an adjacent Location.

Yay! Power Checks and adjacent Locations! Count me in!

But at least there's a chance I can play as Shannon and Walt. Because that's what I always wanted out of a board game. Or get Hurley into a fight with Jack. That would equal ratings.

So, anyway, run out and get this game. Even if you've never seen the show. Even if you've never played a board game. Even if you've never read my blog.

Just remember, that board game is filled with secrets.

Oh, and aren't you gald you didn't bother to read all those rules? Geez, you always did know how to defy authority.

Giving the people what they want

2006-11-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Week after week, month after month, I've been hearing one question. One question for which I have sadly had no reasonable or acceptable answer.

Everywhere I've been--from my living room to the kitchen, from the top of the stairs that lead to the basement to the bottom of the stairs in the basement itself, I've been faced with one question.

Why don't you ever update your blog?

It's not an easy question to answer. I'm a complex guy, filled with individual thinking and stuff. But when the crazy old man across the street who throws rocks at cars and screams in a made up language to children, asked me (after he noted we were wearing the same orange sweater) "Where's your blog been?" I knew I had no choice.

Okay, he didn't ask me that. But he does exist, of course, this rock-throwing guy, and he does seem to own a sweater that is eerily similar to one I own and this (as it should) concerns me.
Where will I be in twenty-five or thirty years and what are the odds that it will involve me wearing that exact same sweater and kicking my legs wildly, waving my arms randomly, and screaming at children? I mean, I think I have the longterm potential to be fairly stable, but there are things we can't predict. Still, I'm going to pride myself on saying that's a longshot, a 75-to-1. Still, that photo of the sweater (taken mere moments ago!) does show me posing for pictures while wearing pajama pants and an orange sweater. And that is so crazy guy across the street. So let's make it 65-to-1.

So here are the current odds (going all Vegas and what-not on you) of what I'll be doing in twenty-five years:

--Walking into a composition classroom at a middling university where I've been adjuncting for fifteen years, running my fingers through my long and wildly unkept mostly gray hair, and saying, "so, my young composers, let's talk about our feelings." 2-to-1

--Driving. 8-to-1

--Eating a big ol' hunk a cheese. 6-to-1

--Working on my second academic tome about poststructuralism and polyphonic tendencies in the work of playwright Robin Runyan. 150-to-1.

--Basking in celebrity after taking all the credit for some massive volume that Chapel has written about global religions. 5-to-1

--Getting really good rejection slips from Mid American Review that tell me you're almost there! Try again? with a smiley face underneath. 3-to-2.

--Working really hard to update my blog (or maybe by then they'll have flying blogs. Oooh). 4-to-1.

Quiz about Me

2006-04-15T08:39:00.000-04:00

Oh, the arrogance of thinking anybody cares.

Take My Quiz
- on -
QuizYourFriends.com!

Bender vs. Mouse

2006-04-12T07:33:00.000-04:00

Here's the way to start a day jam-packed from morning 'til night --

Okay, first thing in the morning -- I'm in the bathroom (I don't think I'm violating any sacred trust by talking about such bodily functions in a blog entry. First thing in the morning, right. Very natural. Besides, as I've long been told, I've got the bladder of a 13-year-old girl. Or an 85-year-old pregnant woman. I can't remember which).

Anyway it seems odd to me that the sparkly fabric tablecloth-type thing that Robin had on one of the end tables is on the bathroom floor. That table is in the living room and the bathroom is very far away from that. So I assume Bender the cat got bored last night and played with it and dragged it in the bathroom. Seems unlikely now, really, but I had only been awake for two and a half minutes. So, whatever.

Then I see the half-eaten mouse on the bathroom rug. So things are become more clear now as I continue what seems in retrospect a morning urination that takes 45 minutes (It must just feel that way when there's a dead mouse in the room. Or I actually did take 45 minutes peeing. Not sure).

So I picked up Bender's little victim and checked out the living room. The stuff that was on that little table (a book, a bag of cookies, a plastic tumbler) all lying everyone in the room. Chaos! Something fairly dramatic happened in there at some point last night/this morning and I heard nothing. Nothing! I am a sound sleeper.

And, for a fat cat, Bender can evidently move when he needs to.

Prior to the 27th Annual English Department Prom

2006-04-01T08:08:00.000-05:00

Walking out of my comp exams this week -- shaking, exhausted, and relieved -- I had one significant thought. No, it wasn't at all related to Modernism or Romanticsm or even the fact I couldn't remember the name of "Wuthering Heights" (which was okay, really, it wasn't something I needed to know for the exam -- I was going to use it as an example of something Virginia Woolf was not -- but I couldn't think of that novel's name. Crazy).

No, I remember that in two days, I was going to have Prom at my house. We'll find out how "Pretty in Pink" this place can be. I'll get pictures and torrid tales up here soon, of course.

Where I've Been

2006-03-27T08:49:00.000-05:00

I could say that, instead of updating my blog, I've been wandering around the country on foot having adventures and helping people and stuff, but that wouldn't be completely true. What's mostly true is that I've been preparing for my rather important exams that begin TOMORROW. Yeah, that tomorow. The one coming up after today is over. So, things are happening at a rather feverish pace this week, but when I emerge from the otherside, I'll let you all know how I fared.

wish me luck!

Google Thyself

2006-03-12T11:09:00.000-05:00

I was thinking it would be kind of fun to do a blog entry today on the strange things you find when you Google yourself. I was all set to discuss the review I found once about I journal I had a couple of poems appear in that discussed the "sexual unpredictibility"of my work. Then I would have gone over the blog entry in which the author of said blog talked about how I was hitting on her at AWP once(which might be true, of course, but still). So, basically, fun and giggles all the way around and everybody has a good time.

But instead of all that, I think I'll focus in on this one. Not that fun and giggles aren't still possible, but I'll get to be a little more thoughtful and less self-depricating in my response.

I can honestly admit that I wouldn't have expected an article in the WMU newspaper about my experimental writing to get any exposure outside of Western's campus (and even on campus I wouldn't expect much, honestly), but it evidently did have some legs -- there was even a link and brief synopsis of the class on the NCTE website a couple of weeks ago (which is possibly where this person found it). I admit, really, that it's kind of cool to find a blog entry in which complete and total strangers are talking about you, even when they're basically making fun of what you're doing. Even that is kind of cool, really. I can accept it, anyway -- the danger of the class is the difficulty of explaining it and the likelihood of so much of the class being lost in translation. But, as one should after being made fun of, I have decided to reply to these offhand criticisms. And have chosen to do so on my own blog, away from where any of those bloggers and comment-ers will likely see.

The form and angle of the Herald article creates an immediate problem. I, for one, think the article is fine -- it discusses what a campus newspaper ought to discuss, which is the impact a story can have on the campus. In this case, the necessary purpose would be a description and origin of the physcial artifacts that were being displayed around campus. The reporter and the newspaper would have little interest in the fact that the class, while putting together those projects was also reading the works of Blake and the French Surrealists and graphic novelists in an attempt to understand the connection between art and writing in an attempt to apply said techniques to their own work. These are elements of the class' success that aren't necessarily pertinent to the university at large but, I think, rather significant when evaluating the class as a whole.

But I do take a bit of issue with the insinutation that the class isn't teaching students anything, even without the literary aspects of the class. I think the idea of taking writing into a public sphere (as we were doing with the tree projects) forces students to think about writing in an entirely new and exciting way. When a student writes a poem or story on a piece of paper, the intended audience for that piece is immediately limited (if it has been written for a class, the audience becomes the teacher and the students in the class, if it is written outside of class, the audience becomes even smaller than that). But when thinking about writing in a public manner the issue of audience becomes amplified -- suddenly the relationship between what you're writing and who will read it becomes wildly significant because, if you play your cards right, people will be reading it. The writer has the ability to insure that based on the material used to create the work (the more eyepopping and unexpected, the better) and the location of that material (looking toward higher traffic areas). And that's the thing about the "Speech Bubbles in Trees" project. It did work. Obviously, we had issues with people (Landscaping services? Students?) taking them down, but when they were up, people were looking at them. Some of the observers were complimentary and excited. Some muttered things like "treehuggers." But they looked. And that seems to me part of a success.

These projects were conceived and carryed out by my students. The bottle cap message idea? Totally theirs. Same with the Tree Bubble idea. I was there to supervise and encourage, to keep them on track, but the ideas were theirs. The students went through the propers channels to get their projects approved on campus and they dealt with the problems of missing bubbles when that came up. In short, these students were/are not only studying creative writing and literature, they were/are exploring problem solving and audience in ways that few classes I can think of are capable. So, yeah, I think they are learning something and their projects are getting noticed. And they're having a good time doing it.

And another thing mentioned in one of the comments about the article was how this would fly with high school students. Well, considering the fact that you wouldn't plug the class exactly as-is into a high school classroom (the projects and literature would have to be adapted), you'd have to make modifications, but I can't see why -- with those modifications -- it couldn't be beneficial. I've adapted the concept to work with 3rd and 5th graders (as a visiting writer once a week to a grade school) and it's worked amazingly well. Obviously, the 3rd graders aren't reading any Futurist manifestos, but writing on puzzle pieces and wooden trucks has forced them to look at poetry in a different way -- their thought process toward writing changes as the media changes. Besides, it's fun. The college students and the grade school kids are having fun with the projects and the same could be true in the secondary classroom. Somewhere along the line, literature -- and poetry in particular -- gets sold to students as if it is something of a dead language. Perhaps innovative techniques as far as teaching it will bring it safely back to life.

And is eating trail mix and encouraging students who are interested in social issues bad things? I sure hope not. And, to answer that third comment for the article/blog entry. I actually think I am fairly sane. I have my issues, of course, but I don't think lacking overall sanity is one of them. Of course, my friends, colleauges, and students can answer that better than I can.

Celebrities I've Been Told I Look Like

2006-03-09T20:44:00.000-05:00

As a visual aid to guide you through the nonsense that is to follow, here I am, moments ago, standing in front of Roy and Amanda's empty wall. Probably not the most glamorous shot in the world to use as a comparison to a variety of celebrities, but whatever. Keep in mind the hair and, ahem, highlights in the hair, do change from time to time so I get different names passed on different stages of hair. This entry would have been made ideal with a lot more pictures. But I don't have time for that. I've got comps to study for. And basketball to watch. And, you know, other important stuff. Anyway.....onward.

Celebrities I've been told I look like:

Matthew Lawrence
(this was the most recent -- yesterday, in fact -- prompting me to update this list for the blog. Most suprising because it means someone has actually given mere thought to Matthew Lawrence recently. )

Dave Grohl
(which I get the most. Probably justified)

Jim Carrey
(don't get it as much as I did, but still occasionally...within the last few weeks even. In my high school yearbook, one person signed "you really do look like that white guy on In Living Color." So I've been hearing this since before Jim Carrey even had a name.)

C. Thomas Howell
(in fact, a guy started yelling at me when I said I really didn't think I did look like him at all. So my apparent resemblance to C. Thomas Howell can lead to violence!)

Johnny Reznick
(this came from a girl in line in front of me at a fast food place: "You look just like the guy from the Goo-Goo Dolls!" I corrected her and told her she meant the Foo Fighters. She agreed.)

A young Pierce Brosnan
(this is true, actually. The quote was "Every day you look more like a young Pierce Brosnan. This came from a (blind?) male customer at the bookstore who was always just a little too friendly.)

Chris Rock
(Technically a friend said I looked like a cross between "Chris Rock and my brother." No idea what his brother looks like, but unless his brother looks more like me than I do, this seems unlikely.)

Cillian Murphy
Kid: You look like that guy from "Red Eye!"
Me: (perplexed) You mean Cillian Murphy?
Kid: That's him!
Ah, the joys of working with third graders.

Links!

2006-03-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

Here's a Western Herald article about the latest exploits of my experimental writing class and our battles to make the WMU campus more aesthetically pleasing and more socially vital. And not so much succeeding. But we're trying. And the quote from the landscaping services guy? He's totally lying. Really. There will hopefully be a letter to the editor from our English dept. secretary in the next couple of days responding to his lie.

http://www.westernherald.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2006/03/06/440bca29f4171

For those who haven't seen the "speech bubbles" as described in the article, you can check 'em out here:

http://community.webshots.com/user/ENGL2070

Also, just for kicks (and to cram as many links as possible in this message), here's the first article about the class that appeared in the Western Herald:

http://www.westernherald.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2006/02/14/43f1180ca9778?in_archive=1

And, just so that all of these links aren't self-indulgent, here's a drawing of a kitten playing golf (is the "links" pun by way of a golf picture too obscure? Well, I guess it isn't obscure anymore if I've explained it.)

2006-03-05T09:18:00.000-05:00

We all know why Star Wars just never gets the critical acclaim it deserves (I mean, with the notable exception of the highly prestigious "Blockbuster Movie Awards") -- not enough cute kids pretending to be tough. You're doing your thing, Christopher, and I dig that about you.

2006-03-05T09:03:00.000-05:00

To: you
From: me

Look, lately I've been unwilling to listen to you. It's been all about me. Me. Me. Whenever you've felt like saying something -- even if it's been to compliment me for something I've done -- I've taken away your ability to speak.

But I'm changing. For you. I promise to be a better person. I promise to pay more attention to settings before and after posting a message. I promise to make sure that you have a chance to post comments if you want to. I promise, to the best of my abilities, that you can be as much involved in this blog as I am.

Again, I apologize for making you feel like you don't have a voice. I apologize for taking away the one thing that makes you you -- your ability to comment on my blog.

I'm sorry. I hope our relationship can overcome my foolishness.

Love,
Me.

2006-03-03T21:10:00.000-05:00

My Academy Awards Predictions
(Because you've all been so patient in the waiting for them)
And, no, I didn't do all the categories. But this was still enough of a time killer in-between Modernist novels. So it's enough.

Best Supporting Actress:

Amy Adams in "Junebug" (Sony Pictures Classics)
Catherine Keener in "Capote" (UA/Sony Pictures Classics)
Frances McDormand in "North Country" (Warner Bros.)
Rachel Weisz in "The Constant Gardener" (Focus Features)
Michelle Williams in "Brokeback Mountain" (Focus Features)

It seems a lot of these awards are fairly predictable (though I could be completely wrong, of course, but there’s a certain cowboy flick that will probably do well). That being said, Rachel Weisz seems the favorite here, but I’m guessing it will go to Amy Adams in a bit of a surprise. Obviously Weisz and Michelle Williams (I'm thinking they're the most likely three candidates) had challenging roles too, but Adams is in a smaller scale movie and the Academy might be proud of itself for rewarding it. And the Supporting Actress category seems a bit of a crapshoot most years anyway. So let's be trendy.

My guess at the winner: Amy Adams
My favorite of the nominees: Michele Williams

Best Supporting Actor:
George Clooney in "Syriana" (Warner Bros.)
Matt Dillon in "Crash" (Lions Gate)
Paul Giamatti in "Cinderella Man" (Universal and Miramax)
Jake Gyllenhaal in "Brokeback Mountain" (Focus Features)
William Hurt in "A History of Violence" (New Line)

I think it has to be Clooney, simply because there’s probably not any room to reward him for the other work he’s done this year (unless Good Night gets a screenplay award, which is possible though not likely). And, besides that, he is pretty good in Syriana. Paul Giamatti should have gotten nominated last year (and probably should've won the thing) for best actor and there’s always the chance they’ll do the whole “let’s reward the guy we screwed last year” thing, but I think Clooney’s probably got this one.

My guess at the winner: George Clooney
My favorite nominee: Clooney

Best Animated Featured Film
"Howl's Moving Castle" (Buena Vista) Hayao Miyazaki
"Tim Burton's Corpse Bride" (Warner Bros.) Tim Burton and Mike Johnson
"Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit" (DreamWorks Animation SKG) Nick Park and Steve Box

I'm going with Wallace & Gromit here. It's funny and fully deserving. I think. I mean, I know it's funny, but I'm not sure how deserving it is -- I haven't seen the other two. Still, seems like a logical bet.

My guess at the winner: Wallace & Gromit
My favorite nominee: W & G

Best Actress:
Judi Dench in "Mrs. Henderson Presents" (The Weinstein Company)
Felicity Huffman in "Transamerica" (The Weinstein Company and IFC Films)
Keira Knightley in "Pride & Prejudice" (Focus Features)
Charlize Theron in "North Country" (Warner Bros.)
Reese Witherspoon in "Walk the Line" (20th Century Fox)

Of course, I’d pick Theron if the nomination were for Aeon Fluxx and not North Country (as E! reported on the morning of the nominations). But, alas.

Reese Witherspoon is great as June Carter Cash and, June Carter being a Saint and all, I’m a tough critic with this. But she’s as easy for me, as the hypothetical audience, to fall in love with as she is for Johnny in the movie so that's saying something. She’s probably the favorite -- she’s cleaned up at awards shows elsewhere, she’ll probably get the Oscar. Probably.

One major issue with that is that Felicity Huffman’s performance (which I, admittedly, haven’t seen. Nor has anyone, I’m assuming. Not even Huffman herself) seems to be the kind of thing that Oscar voters dig – the whole physical transformation that allows an actress to explore life from another perspective (and, no, Reese’s brown hair doesn’t fit here). But Huffman’s a TV actress and that might turn off potential voters as could the fact that no one’s seen the movie. But we can still assume she’s good, right? All that being said, I’m still assuming Witherspoon will win, but a Huffman win is possible, just probably not likely. The other three can enjoy lovely parting gifts and a wonderful excuse for a night out.

My guess at the winner: Reese Witherspoon
My favorite: Witherspoon

Best Actor:
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Capote" (UA/Sony Pictures Classics)
Terrence Howard in "Hustle & Flow" (Paramount Classics, MTV Films and New Deal Entertainment)
Heath Ledger in "Brokeback Mountain" (Focus Features)
Joaquin Phoenix in "Walk the Line" (20th Century Fox)
David Strathairn in "Good Night, and Good Luck." (Warner Independent Pictures)

Okay, this seems like a no-brainer, but everybody here is really good in their respective movies, so it deserves at least some discussion before I say what you’d expect me to say. Terrence Howard’s great and the movie is better than it probably should be, but I just don’t think the movie itself is good enough to win it for him, at least not with this level of competition. Joaquin Phoenix is good, but I don’t think he’s great in the role. He won’t win.

And I absolutely dig David Strathairn’s performance – it’s simply amazing. But maybe too low key. Voters seem to like the performances based on real-life figures, but there’s another one of those in this category that probably too good not to reward. And, oh yeah, Heath Ledger’s great. But that movie’s going to win so much stuff, let’s give this one to somebody else. There are certainly enough people in this group that deserve to win.

So, yeah, I’m going with Philip Seymour Hoffman. He’s really, really good. And don’t you just want to see him up there? I mean, come on! How cool is that?

My guess at the winner: Philip Seymour Hoffman
My favorite nominee: Hoffman (but I really like Jeff Daniels in The Squid and the Whale. It’s too bad he couldn’t be worked in here)

Best Adapted Screenplay

"Brokeback Mountain" (Focus Features) Screenplay by Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana
"Capote" (UA/Sony Pictures Classics) Screenplay by Dan Futterman
"The Constant Gardener" (Focus Features) Screenplay by Jeffrey Caine
"A History of Violence" (New Line) Screenplay by Josh Olson
"Munich" (Universal and DreamWorks) Screenplay by Tony Kushner and Eric Roth

Well, Brokeback's likely the favorite here and that makes some sense -- it does a nice job as far as taking its original source and doing something engaging with it for the new media while not trashing the original. But, while I think the Brokeback screenplay will likely win, I'm putting my two cents in for Munich, which has the star power as far as the screenwriter goes and is really effective as far as giving the film its initial and dynamic voice.

My guess at the winnre: Brokeback Mountain

My favorite nominee: Munich

Best Original Screenplay

"Crash" (Lions Gate) Screenplay by Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco, Story by Paul Haggis
"Good Night, and Good Luck."Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov (Warner Independent Pictures)
"Match Point" (DreamWorks) Written by Woody Allen
"The Squid and the Whale" (Samuel Goldwyn Films and Sony Pictures Releasing) Written by Noah Baumbach
"Syriana" (Warner Bros.) Written by Stephen Gaghan

I think Crash will win this one -- the Academy's going to feel obligated to give it something and the complicated overlaying of characters gives the script the illusion of depth even if the depth isn't there as powerfully as it is in some of the other choices here. Good Night has an outside shot at it and, while I think it's a better script, it probably will have to be satisfied with the nomination. It seems the voters actually get it right fairly frequently with the screenplay awards, but I don't see it happening -- The Squid & The Whale is a fantastic script that deserves to win. It won't.

My guess at the winner: Crash

My favorite of the nominees: The Squid & The Whale

Best Director:

I really don’t see any way Ang Lee doesn’t win this. I mean, I can envision Brokeback not getting Best Picture before I can envision him not winning this. All political volatility aside, it’s a lovely film, beautifully handled and shot. He’ll win and he ought to. No problems here. Right? Clooney's already got his supporting actor award, so he's happy. Spielberg's won stuff before so he's happy. Bennett Miller got recognized for Capote, so he's got to be cool with that. Paul Haggis and Crash? He's probably gotten the screenplay award at this point.

My guess: Ang Lee.
My favorite nominee: Lee.

Best Picture: Well, I’m guessing Brokeback will win and, of these nominees (four of which I think are really terrific films), it probably should (though Good Night, and Good Luck especially deserves some serious consideration and Munich, really, is a pretty fantastic film). But the biggest competition here is the movie of this group I think the least of– that’s Crash. I mean, it’s okay, but I found it heavy-handed and inorganic (I can get away with saying things like that, right?) Good performances, but the script itself didn’t really allow characters to rise to the surface. It’s a movie that cares less about character and more about theme and handles that theme without the deft hand and subtlety that would exist in a better movie. But it’s still a factor and it's chances have really grown. Those late campaigns do wonders for a movie's credibility (it seemed last year like Million Dollar Baby just kept building momentum until it won the big one). But I'm still thinking that Brokeback is just too much a cultural phenomenom to ignore. And, when given the chance, Oscar's not afraid to celebrate the cultural phenomenom. For it to not win at this point would make the Academy look bad.

My guess at the winner: Brokeback Mountain
My favorite of the nominees: Brokeback and Good Night, and Good Luck.

2006-03-02T23:17:00.000-05:00

Quick Phone Booth follow-up. Here's an actual exerpt from an actual user review of the film on IMDb. It's from Missgreenelf in the United Kingdom. She's talking about the movie Phone Booth now remember:

"I would suggest to anyone that hasn't seen this film to do so, cause it not so far outside the possibility that it could happen to you. which makes it great."

'not so far outside the possibility that it could happen to you' Think about that. It could happen to you. You could be held hostage by a sniper in a building across the street while being forced to stand in a phone booth. You!! I worry about Missgreenelf sometimes. I really do. Especially at moments like this.

2006-03-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

I'm one week removed from the first day of my trip to lovely Orange City, Iowa. In order to appease my nostalgia, here's a picture of one of downtown Orange City's landmarks. No, not Amy, she's simply inside the windmill phone booth. And I believe the phone inside the phone booth (which may be a fully functioning phone) is, like, sealed together with masking tape or something. I could be making that up, I wasn't brave enough to go inside the phone booth. I do think, though, if anybody ever makes a sequel to the legendary film Phone Booth (and I, for one, have been clamoring for that for to happen for years now), this is the phone booth where it needs to happen. And I especially hope that, if that did happen, it meant that Colin Farrell would get to visit Orange City for filming. 'Cause he'd love it there.

No Phone Booth 2 but the true movie event of our lifetimes is coming. Snakes on a Plane. Why can't August happen already? Mandie, you still willing to camp out a week before it opens?

Man, this has been a rough week for me, what with the nosebleeding episode while playing with the dogs on Monday. And then, tonight, Sofia got scared when I was going over to meet Bob to get Jody's keys so I can watch Shadow over the weekend (and, I know, if you don't know the Kalamazoo life, that sentence meant nothing) and, Sofia, being afraid of things like doors and new places, ran quickly on the pavement next to Jody's building and wouldn't slow down -- it was icy and I couldn't keep my balance. Splat. In Sofia's defense though, she did come over to check up on me after I fell. She gets nervous, but she means well. And, much like the "backhand to the nose" on Monday, I shook this potential injury off as well. Bret Favre's got nothing on me as far as tough guys go.

I'm glad I have a blog so I can report on all the stupid pratfalls I take. Whew. Just think -- you wouldn't have known any of this otherwise. Oh, what you would have been missing.

2006-03-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

If I had been using my blog two days ago...

(nevermind the fact, as Greg was so quick to point out, I did of course have blogging capabilities I was simply deciding to use sparingly) I could have said something like this:

Chapel bloodied my nose while we were walking the dogs yesterday. Should I say more about this? Should I explain how she was throwing a stick to Oz and accidentally (should I use quotes around "accidentally?" I'm pretty sure it was an accident, though. Pretty sure.) backhanded me in the face? And, yes, bloodied my nose.

For those of you keeping track -- I am fine. It just bled a little. Which is sad, painful, and a little pathetic, but I am okay. And I think I've pretty much used the "you almost broke my nose" line to its extent in the days that have followed.

If I would've had my camera on me yesterday... (to continue a theme) I would have taken a picture on the sign in front of the Little Theater on campus, where a select film is screened each weekend by our friends at the Western Film Society. The film this week is Capote or, as the sign explained it, Captoe. I went to get that glorious snapshot today, but they caught their mistake and fixed it. Jerks. I had all sorts of material prepared for that picture too -- like, what are they going to be showing next week, Munchi? Or something better even. I just didn't have the picture to inspire me.

2006-03-01T09:37:00.000-05:00

This here blog is dependent upon so many things -- my naivete as far as thinking (1) anyone will care and (2) that I'll actually be capable of maintaining a blog.

My track record is not so good with #2 -- let's take a look at my personal blogging history: a LiveJournal from 2000 in which I had four -- 4! -- entries recorded for Tuesday, June 20th, 2000 (evidently the Lakers won the NBA title and I was excited. I mentioned something on there about whether or not the Angels could be next. Just be patient, younger version of me). And then an entry on June 22nd (where I reviewed "Sweet and Lowdown" in about 50 words. I seemed to be okay with the movie, but the review itself was pretty unappealing. I give my review a 4). And then my blog jumps to the 7th of July (in which I apologize for not updating my blog. Which seems like a bad sign for the future of this blog). And then July 8th contains this cryptic bit 'o information:

"I'm up! I'm up! Hopefully this match will be worthwhile!"

(I can only hope so). And then, much like a recovered log from a doomed tanker somewhere in the stormy Atlantic (that's a terrible analogy, right? A recovered log would likely be wet and unreadable), we come to my final entry, dated July 28th:

"Hey! I updated! I've been way behind the times...so I'll begin an attempt at correcting this. I don't have much to say at this point, but if nothing else...I have updated it. Let's see if I can keep that going!"

Alas, I couldn't. This brings us to my MySpace blog which, over the course of a year (over a year, really, but I couldn't bring myself to write "over a course of over a year" without parentheticals around it), I produced 10 entries. But I meant well. And, as anyone on MySpace would tell you, those blog entries were legend. Especially the one in which I discuss my lingering sadness over Constantine being voted off American Idol. It was a tough time for me. It was a good thing that I was a few weeks away from leaving the country for a while, because I just wasn't sure I could trust America again after that decision.

Anyway, we now know what we're up against. Here am I -- at as busy a time as I've ever been in my life and I'm trying again. This is destined to fail, right?

Let the failure begin.