hiatus

This is a friendly note to inform you that Octopus vs. Chipmunk is (most likely) not going to be updated until the beginning of next month. I'm in Vegas and, while the computer I'm using here is fine (albeit a bit slow) for normal online functions, it doesn't really dig the idea of me updating my blog much (and it especially hates the idea of me using pictures and whatnot, which is really troublesome because all those pictues are necessary to create the illusion of cleverness that is so important to my blogging).

So Happy Holidays and be sure to check me out in January. Because, you know, creating an even greater illusion of cleverness and being more self-promotional (sometimes) are my New Year's resolution. Along with reading more books about woodworking and trying to make a documentary about Taft. You gotta have your thing.

Getting stronger

Okay, the thing is--I really like the Rocky movies. I once came to the rather sad conclusion that, no matter what else was on at the same time, I'd likely watch Rocky III if I happened to stumble across it while scanning the channels. As anyone who has watched Rocky III with the least amount of objectivity can attest (and that doesn't include me, of course) it's really kind of terrible. I mean, the plot is paper thin, the fights are ridiculous, the homo-eroticism is kind of silly. But, you know, if nothing else, you get to see Carl Weathers dressed like this:

(Most of this scene consists of Apollo and Rocky running along the beach in slow motion. They wrestle each other to the ground at one point. In sheer joy and happiness. No lie).

Anyway, what with the new Rocky movie coming out in a few weeks, it seems that Rocky-fever is gripping the nation. I mean, really, gripping the nation. Who hasn't felt it? (Put your hands down, America, you wise-crackers). And what with the torrent of conversation about the forthcoming Rocky, we have also experienced a deluge of new Rocky merchandise.

Actually, I have no idea if that's true. It probably isn't. Deluge? Torrent? Yeah, that's stretching it. But I did see some new Rocky action figures in Toys R Us when I was looking for a large foam airplane a couple of months ago and they were--what's the word?--hype. And before I go off on the easy route of jokes here--the whole "what kid would actually want a Paulie action figure?" tirade--obviously these action figures would be less geared toward kids and more geared toward dorks like me that actually think their desk and/or bookcase would benefit from
the addition of this:

And for everyone playing along at home wondering, "What does Jayce want for Christmas?" let it be known that my earlier comment was a joke. My bookcase would not benefit from having a Paulie doll. It would benefit, however, from this....

Holy Crap! It's a Brent Musberger action figure! This might be stupidest action figure that has ever existed in the history of the world (and, yeah, that's a challenge. Please prove me wrong). But still, Brent Musberger? The sportscaster? I'm really holding out hope that the figure is so popular that an entire wave of sportscaster action figures follow. Oh, the possibilities. But those possibilities, dear reader, I leave to you. Because now I have something bigger on which to focus my attention. I must focus my attention to this:

There are no words, my friends. There are simply no words.

Spoon!

Chapel loves T.J. Maxx. Personally, I think it's fairly uninteresting, but everytime I mention needing anything -- anything -- she tells me, "oh T.J. Maxx has that and it's cheap." And I have bought a couple of things there -- a cookie sheet, a big red bowl, and a cutting board come immediately to mind -- that I think we're fairly smart purchases, but there's one purchase from T.J. Maxx that was not a smart purchase, though I can't blame myself for it.

The purchase in question would be these measuring spoons:

They look fairly passable, right? (And that T.J. Maxx cutting board behind them is handsome) I mean, these spoons are stainless steel, attractive, and (perhaps most importantly) look capable of measuring things. So they would certainly appear to be a smart purchase. They were sealed up when I bought them (so that I could only see the first spoon), but I had no reason to think this purchase would be ill-advised.



There are five spoons in this collection and these are the first two. Pinch and 1/8 tsp. Now, I thought it was kinda cool when I saw these spoons that "pinch" was one of the measurements because you don't see that everyday (likely because you don't need to, but whatever). But having "pinch" and 1/8 tsp seems pretty limited. And these spoons, it becomes quite clear, are dedicated to the teaspoon, so the chances of finding a rather useful "tablespoon" measuring spoon are slim, which limits the value of this set. But teaspoons are being called for in recipes all over the non-metric world and what with 1/4 and 1/2 tsps and that all important 1 teaspoon measurement right around the corner, there's no need to worry.


Or worry. 2/3 teaspoons? Is this that necessary? Does this come up often enough to actually warrant the dedicated spoon? All right, the suspense is killing me, what are the last two spoons?

You know what I say to you, T.J. Maxx? Screw you. You sell me a set of teaspoon measuring spoons and there is not a spoon in the collection that measures a teaspoon? Or even a 1/2 teaspoon? Who is this product being marketed to (besides dumb guys that don't pay enough attention to things before they buy them?)? Is this for the measuring spoon collector who has everything?

So I had to get a Kitchen Aid measuring spoon set that was less stainless steel but much more red and a lot more useful. I have held onto these though. Just in case I need exactly a 1/8 and a pinch of something, I'll be ready.

My Many Faces

Look. It's some earlier shorter-haired version of me from what I assumed would be a long-since abandoned website page. But here it is. I found this picture when I was image searching my name. I thought it might be interesting to see what other Jason Olsen's look like. So I decided to undertake this search using the Alta Vista Image Search option because, really, who uses Alta Vista anymore? Let's love Alta Vista. They need us. Google doesn't need us. They only pretend.


This guy needs his dad. They're fixing a car together and they look tired. Or maybe dad just looks tired. Or frustrated. He'd be more frustrated if that Jason Olsen next to him helping him with that car was me because I'd be even less help. For example, I've been referring to that vehicle as a car. It's clearly a truck. So, yeah, this would end badly.




I know him...that's Major Jackson! He's a very good, very cool poet with whom I conducted an interview in Third Coast a few years ago. He and I look very little alike, really, but this picture does pop up when I searched out myself, evidently because that aforemention interview is on Major's website. If you're not familiar with him, check out his site -- www.majorjackson.com



I think my namesake is riding that bull with the scary eyes. My namesake is a bit crazy, but whatever. I'm also guessing this Jason Olsen is not at all a vegan. But maybe he's one of those bullriders who is trying to end the abuse of animals from the inside. Much like the guy I saw once on the hot dog eating championships who claimed to be a vegetarian. Except those few occasions in which he would eat, say, 32 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Other than that, total vegetarian.


Dude. I am not and never was one of these guys. But one of them shares my name. Somewhere during this conversation, that guy in the Champion shirt (is that made of of mesh?!?) made the comment that Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness was the best album ever made and that guy sitting on the edge of the couch showed his agreement by falling off the arm of the couch onto the ground. The guy in the middle laughed hysterically for the next forty five minutes, forgetting what he was laughing about ten or twelve seconds in.



Is she really as happy as she should be? That's a Jason Olsen she's touching heads with. I'm worried about this thing between them. Sigh. It's out of my control. Perhaps I should just move on.




This Jason Olsen is likely in a band. I'm hoping that shirt is part of the band uniform. It's pretty rocking. If he's not in a band, I hope he's a lawyer or something.



This Jason Olsen is a game developer. I think. I wonder if he's responsible for all those Nintendo controllers people are throwing into their TV's and shattering? That new Wii controller, the one you swing all motion-sensor-like around to use, evidently slides out of people's hands and into TV's. And windows. And babies. I don't know about the babies part, honestly, but maybe. And it might be my namesake's fault.

Look at him, smirking. Thinking of all the broken babies and televisions. Sigh, I cannot help what the other Jason Olsens do.

Everywhere I go, there's music

Because I pretty much allow my iPod to dictate the direction of my day and life, it seemed appropriate to highjack this little game from somebody else's blog. Hopefully my iTunes are as kind and occasionally funny and Nicky's were....

The rules are simple. Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING. Cheating is for losers. Cheaters never prosper. For visual aid, here is a cheater:

I mean, unless you count making millions of dollars, breaking countless records, and breaking countless hearts (I'm assuming). Regardless, I have not used any illegal steroids over the course of this blog entry. I did, of course, drink horse urine but as far as I know that isn't illegal. Yet.

Questions!

How does the world see you?
“I’ve Always Been Crazy” – Waylon Jennings

Sigh, World, c’mon, after all we’ve been through? You still think I’m crazy? Even after all those times where it was my absolute sanity that ended up saving the day? Oh well, I can’t question you. Well, as the song's lyric goes, “I’ve always been crazy, but that’s kept me from going insane.” So maybe this is a compliment!

Will I have a happy life?
“Grindstone” – Uncle Tupelo

“every hour will be spent/filling a quota, just getting along” Yay, life! Sign me up for more! And let's hope more of my life will be represented by feel-good Uncle Tupelo lyrics. Those guys just make you feel happy all over!

What do my friends really think of me?
“You’re so Good to Me” – The Beach Boys

Gee whiz, friends! You’re swell! I tell you, if there's one thing I've got it's a good bunch of friends. Even if they didn't actually have anything to do with this. And they all mock me behind their backs. But maybe they do recognize how good I am to them.

What do people secretly think of me?
“Soul of a Man” -- Ollabelle

So they secretly question the strength and quality of my soul? I just ask the world to keep this a secret so I don't have to address it. I like to keep my soul to myself.

How can I be happy?
“Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You” – Bob Dylan

Well, I’m not exactly sure who “you” are in this situation, but I suppose there is a chance that such a night could lead to happiness. (I almost spelled that last word “happyness.” Screw you, Will Smith with your movie and its faulty spelling.)

What should I do with my life?
"Comin’ Around" – Steve Earle

I was hoping this game would elucidate everything for me. That, however, was way too vague. Do better next time, random iTunes game.

What is some good advice for me?
“No Other Baby” – Paul McCartney

Ooookay, iTunes. Thanks for clearing that up. What I'm hoping for is that in ten years, I'll be facing my darkest moment looking for some kind of brilliant advice and I'll think "Wait a minute...what was that song I was supposed to listen to?" And, of course, I'll never remember it, because this song to ridiculously obscure. And I'll never get the necessary advice. And then I'll cry. A lot.

How will I be remembered?
“Shame on You” – Hot Hot Heat

All right, so my memory will be wrapped up in shame. Beautiful. If only I'd remember the name of that Paul McCartney song. Everything would be different.

What is my signature dancing song?
“Brown Eyed Girl” – Van Morrison

I just can’t keep my feet still. But only with this song. It’s my signature dance song. It makes me sing Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da.

What do I think my current theme song is?
“Let It Be” – A Nick Cave cover of The Beatles

Man, who knew how deep I was? And me, in my amazing depth, can't even be satisfied with that trite Beatles version. I need Nick Cave to express my current emotions.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall” – Bob Dylan

Well, at least everyone else thinks I’m deep too. So, thanks, everyone else.

What song will play at my funeral?
“Be True to Your School” – Beach Boys

I certainly hope this song is played at my funeral. In fact, I am going to demand it. Let me write a note right now. Okay done.

What type of men/women do you like?
“Country Trash” – Johnny Cash

Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

What is my day going to be like? “Touch the Hand” – Conway Twitty
Oh. I’ve got nothing I can say to that.