The 19th Century is for Losers

Much to my delight, I have learned that one of my all-time favorite songwriters/vocalists is going to be singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl today. That is, of course, Billy Joel.

Okay, that was sarcasm. I don't so much like Billy Joel. In fact, he really bothers me on levels that I'm not even sure I fully understand. But I'll allow you to travel into my dark dark heart by listening to my inner-thoughts as I read an article about Billy Joel's feelings about singing at the big game.

This is the part of the blog where I would put a picture representing the subject of my blog. But I don't want to lower myself to that. So here's a picture of Prince, who will be singing at halftime. Prince is cool.

I've included the article I found in red italics. My responses are blue. Patriotic, eh?

While Prince (see picture above--my note) will tackle the half-time show at Miami's Dolphin Stadium, Sunday's Super Bowl XLI will kick off with the National Anthem sung by Billy Joel – who calls it "a tough song."

"It's not the greatest song ever written," Joel, 57, told a group of reporters in Miami Beach this week, when asked how it is to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner. "What it represents is a terrific thing. But 'America The Beautiful' is actually a better song."

So, according to Billy Joel, freedom (which I guess we can safely say is what the song represents) is a "terrific thing." That's big of you. But it isn't the best song ever written. Which, while likely true, is also true of every self-indulgent crap lyric Billy Joel ever put to pen. And while Billy is forced to sing this song that is evidently beneath him for the joy and pleasure of all of us, we can rest assured in knowing that brilliant tunes like "Uptown Girl" probably won't be sung much in a couple hundred years. Unlike the lousy song he has to sing today.

What makes the Frances Scott Key lyrics so tough, Joel explained, is that the anthem, "was written early in the 19th century, and that's the vernacular of the song. Nobody remembers the lyrics because they don't know what they mean. The melody is difficult, and everybody drops out in the high notes. It's kind of a slog, actually."

Geez, everybody knows that nothing done or written in the 19th century is worth anything. Well, except "America the Beautiful," I guess, but the version we know was written in the first decade or two of the twentieth century and, clearly, the vernacular is pretty much the same then as it is now. There were some huge linguistic shifts from 1800 to 1890, but for the hundred years following, nothing changed.

And, man, this guy's an ass. People don't remember the words to the song because they don't know what they mean? Is that why the lyrics of a Billy Joel songs are so simple? Because we're dealing with a guy without the capacity to understand complex lyrics like "bombs bursting in air" and "broad stripes and bright stars." Look, here's the plot of the song -- there's a war, a guy sees the American flag waving and he realizes that, in even this most desperate time, the resilience and courage that flag represents is still alive. Seems like a pretty decent song to me and if you have trouble remembering the words because a couple of them are too big for you or you're frightened by the "vernacular" of a previous century, here's a suggestion: get a dictionary and shut up. Or, better yet, let someone else with a little more class and talent than you sing the song.

When asked what will be going through his mind just before the performance, he cracked: "Don't forget the words."

What a wit. Other things going through his mind: "Wow, I am Billy Joel. I am the greatest singer. Songwriter, too. I am lowering myself by singing this inferior song. I should be singing "Always a Woman." Or "She's Got a Way." Or "Just the Way You Are." I mean, they all sound the same, sure, but no one's noticed that. Yeah. "Just the Way You Are." That should be the National Anthem. I love you just the way you are, America. And why is Prince doing the halftime show? Everybody knows I'm way better than Prince. Maybe I should just write my own words to this stupid song. Stupid 19th century. I'm the Piano Man!"

Still someone must have liked the way Joel sang it before, since this will actually be a Super Bowl encore for him. The Grammy-winning Piano Man's other delivery of the National Anthem was prior to 1989's Super Bowl, also in South Florida.

Wow, what a gift this is to us. Twice. In one Super Bowl lifetime.

In fact, for a song that gives him problems, Joel sure seems to sing it a lot. "I did it at the Stanley Cup, I did it at the World Series, I did it at Super Bowl XXIII," he said, "so I'm kind of an old dinosaur doing this kind of thing."

I'm sorry, can someone interpret Billy's last quote for me? He's a lot older than I am and must be speaking in a dialectal vernacular that is difficult for me to wrap my brain around.

By the way, asked whom he favors to win – the Chicago Bears or the Indianapolis Colts – Joel replied: "I have no idea. I was rooting for New York."

I hate this garbage too. Look. If the Super Bowl people think enough of you to put you out there as the opening to their biggest event of the year and are obviously paying you way more than you would ever deserve to sing for three minutes, shouldn't you at least pretend to have an interest in the game? Couldn't you just say, "I'm excited to be at the game. It's such a great event, I love getting to go back." Not "well, they're making sing I song I hate at an game between two teams I don't know or care about." Yeah, that doesn't make me want to watch you kick off (so to speak) the event.

So, yeah, I'm excited. Go Billy Joel. Don't screw up.